Capture Your Grief: Day 4

Day 4: Now 

Since you gained your wings, nothing has been the same. The colors in a rainbow, the sounds of the birds, the smell of flowers, how the stars look at night. NOTHING. Some things are better, some things are worse.

For instance, the stars. I used to look at the stars and not think about who, or what was up there. Now I look up, hoping for a little extra glimmer of a star where you are shining down from. 
Food. Oh how I LOVE food. It's just not the same without you here though. Eating is actually hard for me. I remember you and I, we used to snuggle and cuddle and then I would have to go make dinner, or wanted to bake something. It never failed, as soon as I was half-way through chopping up my first ingredient, you would start WAILING and crying. Couldn't let something else take your mommy time. 

Now when I cook, I miss that. I miss you needing me. 


We have since had our Rainbow Baby, miss Izzy bear. 

She is such a joy. She is truly our ray of sunshine. 
When I was pregnant with her, I couldn't picture how I could love her after losing you...but the truth is, losing you has made me love all of our kids so much more. I can't even leave my house without giving each and every person hugs and kisses, and if I don't I feel horrible. Even if I am mad, the last thing I would ever want is for the last thing my kids saw of me, or I saw of them, to be negative. Life is a gift, and you never know how quickly it can be taken away. Even through all of this, I never knew I could love so much, even with such a great big hole in my heart. I can't say that hole has been "filled," because it will always be missing. But having another baby by no means has been a method of replacing you...rather healing that hole. Love is a funny thing. It can cut you so deep, yet lift you up so much. 

I can't say that I don't struggle. I miss you. I cry. I get mad. I ask why us, why me? I get downright depressed. There are days that go by that I so wish I could be with you and happy rather than here on earth in pain and suffering. I know I will have my time though. 

I hold strong to our faith too, and I know one day we will meet again and all those questions will be answered and I will finally be able to snuggle you again.

I included a picture of our family today. Our whole family. We are at the angel of hope where our sweet girl has two bricks in her honor. These were both gifted to our family and we cherish them so much. This is our visiting place. Where we can say hello, be with her and in the presence of so many other angel babies. 

This loss has rocked our family. Through it all though, we have Christ. Our faith is the glue that holds us together and keeps us all strong.



Now is hard. Every day is a struggle. It's still not living "day to day" but rather "hour by hour." I miss you my sweet. One day....we will meet again. 

Ariella Grace. 9.2.12 - 10.29-12.

#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace