Capture Your Grief: Day 27

Day 27: Express

I took a few days off for some much needed rest and relaxation. On top of that, this whole grief process this month has really been starting to get to me...especially because we are coming up on the date our sweet girls angelversary.  

It has been almost two years. 
Two years since I held you. 
Two years since I kissed you. 
Two years since I whispered "I love you" in your ears. 
Two years since I snuggled you. 
Two years since I danced and sang with you. 
Two years since I changed your diapers.
Two years since I said my last good night.
Two years since I have been able to think straight. 
Two years since I have been able to go through a single day without a tear coming to my eye. 
Two years. 

It may not seem like a long time...but in the world of grief...some days it feels like an eternity. 
Two years since I saw your precious face for the very last time. 
Two years since I was able to look down on you and call you my precious angel.
Two years since I woke up and touched your cold skin. 
Two years since I had to make the most awful phone calls of my life and explain to the police, and our loved ones, that our sweet girl has left us for heaven. 
Two years since I sat in my living room with a barrage of people promising to be there for us. 
Two years since I got to kiss you goodbye on your cold, lifeless cheeks. 
Two years since I had to put cabbage leaves on my boobs to stop the milk from pouring out (yes, that's a real thing). 
Two years since my life was literally, turned upside down. 
TWO YEARS.

I honestly never thought I'd make it this far. My heart aches. I am in a minute by minute battle with my own heart and soul to still be here on this earth...to watch my other girls grow and thrive...but I just miss her...soooo so much. The hardest thing about any day for me, is getting out of bed. Finding motivation to go on. Somehow I do. Somehow I am able to pull myself together and get on with things. "Move on" as they say.

I have never really been one to reach out and express when I'm sad, or lonely, or feeling heartbroken. Probably because it is a constant feeling, sometimes it is just worse than others. Sometimes it's deeper. Sometimes it's so faded in the background I don't really realize it's there. I have never really been one to admit when I needed help. I have always grown up as a strong, independent woman, and I thought nothing could break me. Until this.

Grief has hit me hard this month, and this year. The first year our sweet girl was gone, I thought it was acceptable to not plan birthdays, or be prepared for holidays. Now though, I find myself scurrying at the last second to buy a cake for my one year old. I am not excited for Halloween and seeing all the kids run around in their silly costumes. I am not excited for Christmas and the remembrance of Jesus being born. And come on...who doesn't LOVE Christmas?!?!?! Every holiday has hit me like a train out of no where. Time has gone by too quickly...yet too slow at the same time. 

I imagine the day I get to see you again. How joyous that will be. But because you aren't here now, life seems so empty sometimes. You aren't here in my arms. I am not the same person I was two years ago. I miss you. 

As I sit here and write this, I can't help but feel like I'm riding my own pity train to Whinersville. I can't help but think that I'm just going crazy. I can't help it. I feel like I have tried so hard, for so long, to be so strong in the eyes of everyone else.I feel like all of the challenges I have been faced with are just tests of the strength I do have. I hear constantly...CONSTANTLY...how strong our family is, how strong I am, what an inspiration we are to others. But the truth is...I miss her. There is a hole...a massive hole...in my heart. The only reason I am still here today to talk about my massive hole...is because I have trust in the Lord. Trust that He will heal me. Trust that He will be with me, every single step of the way. And while there are days where I honestly feel SO alone in this...so alone...I know He is always there to comfort me. 

I love my husband more than anything, but we are both struggling with our own grief. Struggling with waking up. Struggling with motivation. Struggling with how to survive this horrible loss. It's a tough thing. It's a strain on our whole family. At church this weekend though, our pastor took apart Proverbs 3:5-6. This is a verse I literally look at EVERY DAY at my desk. I have a piece of paper with that verse on it, hanging in my cubicle. If you do not know it...it goes like this...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, submit to Him, and he will make your paths straight.

Trust in him for my marriage, for my grief, for my finances, for my kids, for my friends, for my church, for everything. It's harder than it seems...especially when you're driving to work having a screaming match with the guy. I do trust though...that even through all of this, all the good days, bad days, hard and easy days, He will make my paths straight. 

ALL OF THEM. 

It's a good reminder. I know we would never be able to make it through all of this without our faith, or without God. I'm not saying it's easy...by any means. This is a situation I wouldn't wish upon my biggest enemy. But there is comfort in the arms of Jesus, as bible bumpy as that may sound...it is honest truth coming from an honest woman...who is honestly...having a really hard time grieving the loss of her child. 

To all the other parents out there who have lost a child, whether it is pregnancy, infant, adult children, God children, grandchildren, or any of the sort...I pray for you. For hope. Healing. Love. For God to wrap his arms around you. It is not easy...but you are never ever alone. 

While I can sit here and write this all and make it sound so pretty and peachy and like it's something I never forget...I do. I do forget. As I said, this walk can be soooo lonely some days. If you know someone who has lost a child...reach out to them regularly...because it is less likely they will reach out to you. 

And to my dear sweet angel...I can't believe we are almost at two years. You are missed. You are loved beyond words. And again...I cannot wait for that joyous day where I get to see you and spend eternity with you. Forever and always.... mommy

(one last note...this was extremely hard for me to write and express my emotions with such rawness. I seriously encourage you, if you know someone who has gone through child loss...reach out to them. Be a good friend/neighbor/stranger. It is not easy to express how much you miss your child.)

9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace.
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