Capture Your Grief: Day 29

Day 29: reflect
 
On this day, where we celebrate, mourn, miss and remember you, I reflect. I reflect on your life. How much joy you gave me. How beautiful you are. How amazingly strong you were for such an itty baby. How you helped our dog Moe get used to having a baby around. How many people you touched. How your light still shines so bright in my life. I miss you, terribly.
 
While child loss is devastating, it has grown my heart so much. It has made me appreciate life so much more. There's no way to describe the hurt, yet the joy that there is from such an event. "Capture Your Grief" has truly allowed me say what I need to. Express my hurt and joy from the crazy event that we suffered through. I know, without a doubt, it is what I needed.

No matter what, I'll always miss you. I'll always want to see you. I'll always love you. 

Gone from my arms, but never from my heart.
 
9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace.
#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 28

Day 28: Words of Wisdom

I think we have all heard of the 5 stages of grief before (Denial/Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). Each person moves through them so differently. Honestly, my personal walk with grief has been such a whirlwind that I think I have gone through each stage multiple times in the past two years. When it comes to wisdom though, what I can share about my grief, and how to deal with it, is this...

• Don't EVER be afraid to say my baby's name. If you don't know it, it is Ariella Grace. I WANT to hear it. I WANT to know that she is not forgotten. 
• There may be days where you see me, and my eyes are red and puffy, I look like I've just cried for hours, and I probably did. But if I'm talking to you, I'm probably OK at that moment. If I run away, then you'll know I am not OK. 
• Yes. I cry. Get over it. 
• Grief of you child is not something you take day by day. It is something that comes minute by minute. 
• If you are having a bad day, don't feel like you can't come talk to me because your problem is so "small"...I'm an open book and love to talk to anyone, about anything. 
• Be there. It's hard sometimes...I get it. It's hard for me too. But just be there. 

I'm sure there is a lot more that I could say...a lot more I could try and think of...but these are the main things. 

Grief sucks. To say the very least. However, with love, support, prayers and friendships, it is manageable.

Capture Your Grief: Day 27

Day 27: Express

I took a few days off for some much needed rest and relaxation. On top of that, this whole grief process this month has really been starting to get to me...especially because we are coming up on the date our sweet girls angelversary.  

It has been almost two years. 
Two years since I held you. 
Two years since I kissed you. 
Two years since I whispered "I love you" in your ears. 
Two years since I snuggled you. 
Two years since I danced and sang with you. 
Two years since I changed your diapers.
Two years since I said my last good night.
Two years since I have been able to think straight. 
Two years since I have been able to go through a single day without a tear coming to my eye. 
Two years. 

It may not seem like a long time...but in the world of grief...some days it feels like an eternity. 
Two years since I saw your precious face for the very last time. 
Two years since I was able to look down on you and call you my precious angel.
Two years since I woke up and touched your cold skin. 
Two years since I had to make the most awful phone calls of my life and explain to the police, and our loved ones, that our sweet girl has left us for heaven. 
Two years since I sat in my living room with a barrage of people promising to be there for us. 
Two years since I got to kiss you goodbye on your cold, lifeless cheeks. 
Two years since I had to put cabbage leaves on my boobs to stop the milk from pouring out (yes, that's a real thing). 
Two years since my life was literally, turned upside down. 
TWO YEARS.

I honestly never thought I'd make it this far. My heart aches. I am in a minute by minute battle with my own heart and soul to still be here on this earth...to watch my other girls grow and thrive...but I just miss her...soooo so much. The hardest thing about any day for me, is getting out of bed. Finding motivation to go on. Somehow I do. Somehow I am able to pull myself together and get on with things. "Move on" as they say.

I have never really been one to reach out and express when I'm sad, or lonely, or feeling heartbroken. Probably because it is a constant feeling, sometimes it is just worse than others. Sometimes it's deeper. Sometimes it's so faded in the background I don't really realize it's there. I have never really been one to admit when I needed help. I have always grown up as a strong, independent woman, and I thought nothing could break me. Until this.

Grief has hit me hard this month, and this year. The first year our sweet girl was gone, I thought it was acceptable to not plan birthdays, or be prepared for holidays. Now though, I find myself scurrying at the last second to buy a cake for my one year old. I am not excited for Halloween and seeing all the kids run around in their silly costumes. I am not excited for Christmas and the remembrance of Jesus being born. And come on...who doesn't LOVE Christmas?!?!?! Every holiday has hit me like a train out of no where. Time has gone by too quickly...yet too slow at the same time. 

I imagine the day I get to see you again. How joyous that will be. But because you aren't here now, life seems so empty sometimes. You aren't here in my arms. I am not the same person I was two years ago. I miss you. 

As I sit here and write this, I can't help but feel like I'm riding my own pity train to Whinersville. I can't help but think that I'm just going crazy. I can't help it. I feel like I have tried so hard, for so long, to be so strong in the eyes of everyone else.I feel like all of the challenges I have been faced with are just tests of the strength I do have. I hear constantly...CONSTANTLY...how strong our family is, how strong I am, what an inspiration we are to others. But the truth is...I miss her. There is a hole...a massive hole...in my heart. The only reason I am still here today to talk about my massive hole...is because I have trust in the Lord. Trust that He will heal me. Trust that He will be with me, every single step of the way. And while there are days where I honestly feel SO alone in this...so alone...I know He is always there to comfort me. 

I love my husband more than anything, but we are both struggling with our own grief. Struggling with waking up. Struggling with motivation. Struggling with how to survive this horrible loss. It's a tough thing. It's a strain on our whole family. At church this weekend though, our pastor took apart Proverbs 3:5-6. This is a verse I literally look at EVERY DAY at my desk. I have a piece of paper with that verse on it, hanging in my cubicle. If you do not know it...it goes like this...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, submit to Him, and he will make your paths straight.

Trust in him for my marriage, for my grief, for my finances, for my kids, for my friends, for my church, for everything. It's harder than it seems...especially when you're driving to work having a screaming match with the guy. I do trust though...that even through all of this, all the good days, bad days, hard and easy days, He will make my paths straight. 

ALL OF THEM. 

It's a good reminder. I know we would never be able to make it through all of this without our faith, or without God. I'm not saying it's easy...by any means. This is a situation I wouldn't wish upon my biggest enemy. But there is comfort in the arms of Jesus, as bible bumpy as that may sound...it is honest truth coming from an honest woman...who is honestly...having a really hard time grieving the loss of her child. 

To all the other parents out there who have lost a child, whether it is pregnancy, infant, adult children, God children, grandchildren, or any of the sort...I pray for you. For hope. Healing. Love. For God to wrap his arms around you. It is not easy...but you are never ever alone. 

While I can sit here and write this all and make it sound so pretty and peachy and like it's something I never forget...I do. I do forget. As I said, this walk can be soooo lonely some days. If you know someone who has lost a child...reach out to them regularly...because it is less likely they will reach out to you. 

And to my dear sweet angel...I can't believe we are almost at two years. You are missed. You are loved beyond words. And again...I cannot wait for that joyous day where I get to see you and spend eternity with you. Forever and always.... mommy

(one last note...this was extremely hard for me to write and express my emotions with such rawness. I seriously encourage you, if you know someone who has gone through child loss...reach out to them. Be a good friend/neighbor/stranger. It is not easy to express how much you miss your child.)

9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace.
‪#‎CaptureYourGrief‬ ‪#‎WhatHealsYourHeart‬ ‪#‎AriellaGrace‬

Capture Your Grief: Day 22

Day 22: self-care

(Catching up here) I took a for real self care day. A long bath, a glass of wine, and sleep. Being sick right now certainly isn't helpful, but forced me to take a few self care days.  

Self care is something I need to take better care to do. I think I focus so much on everyone else, making sure they are ok, before I look in the mirror to make sure that I am ok. It's not an easy thing to do though, after child loss. The world has slipped out from under you and taking the time to care for yourself seems meaningless sometimes. 

What I do know, is a good bath, a good glass of wine, a good book and some quiet time is definitely something I need to make a regular habit out of. 



9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace.
#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 21

Day 21: Relationship

This guy. Let me tell you about this guy. He is amazing. He is strong. He is funny. He is humble. He is a hockey lover. He is amusing. He has an amazing smile that puts light into my heart. He is my rock. 

 

He is mine. Forever.
The the pictures of us (above) are from before, during, and after our loss of our sweet angel. The one on the right is a plaque we got as a wedding gift...reading "marriage takes three"

The one constant in our marriage is Christ. We know we couldn't do this without Him. We know we couldn't love the way we do, without Him. We know, without Him, "us"wouldn't be possible. I thank God that I have a husband who understands and abides by that. I thank God for putting such a man in my life. I thank God that we were able to come together and find Christ, together. I am so grateful for the journey that we have been on...no matter how hard or how many struggles it has been. We are always there for each other.

We by no means are perfect, or have a perfect marriage. We have our own flaws...but this guy...he is mine...forever...and I'm so thankful he understands that our relationship is nothing without God. I love you babe. If we had to do it all over again, I'd still choose you. xoxoxo

9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace

#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

 

Now, I realize the following is a TON of pictures...but it is our journey of photos we have had since getting pregnant with our sweet little princess...

The hubby and I at a wedding, 2014
Of course...being a couple of goofballs :)

Just hanging out at home, quick "selfie" because I don't think we have enough pictures of just the two of us. Our home is enamered with pictures of our girls...but I enjoy the pictures we have together...as silly as some of them are.

 The two of us at another wedding, 2014

 Wedding, 2014

 Celebrating Ari's 2nd birthday, 2014 at the Angel of Hope

 At a parade, summer 2014

 Joyful Noise, 2014

Joyful Noise, 2014

 Goofballs, at Joyful Noise, 2014

 We were REALLY excited!
Joyful Noise, 2014

 Out and about with family...kissy face! Summer, 2014

Picture with our "rainbow" baby :)
Spring, 2014

 Walk to remember, 2014

 Came to visit me at work :) Spring, 2014

Easter Sunday, 2014

Hockey game, 2014

And more goofiness

Our Valentines Day, 2014

Candlelight Memorial, Dec. 6th, 2013

Hangin with Izzy, Winter 2013

Joyful Noise, 2013

At a wedding, May, 2013 (I was preggars here with our "rainbow" baby...not many people knew)

Not long after our sweet angel passed away. At Operation Christmas Child. Winter, 2012

 At a wedding. Ari was only a few weeks old, already getting out and seeing the world! Fall, 2012

Just a little newborn baby. September, 2012

Bringing her home from the hospital. September, 2012

MN State Fair, September, 2012

Blue Man Group...PREGGO! Summer/Fall, 2012
 

BMG - Summer/Fall 2012



















There is no love, like the one you knew from the start was going to last. We knew. We knew God had a plan for us. I love that I get to love you, grow in our relationship, and extend our relationship with God together. You are my best friend, my comforter, my everything. I can't say it enough...I love you

<3 <3 <3

Capture Your Grief: Day 20

Day 20: Breathe

I almost put "day 16" in again on this photo....almost...

 

Today, on my lunch break, I took a few moments to just look at the beautiful fall colors and immerse myself in the moment. This has been an extraordinarily beautiful fall in MN. I decided to take a photo...to seize this moment of just breathing it all in.

I feel at times all I do is hold my breath. Breathing is such a natural thing, yet I catch myself holding my breath all the time. Or clenching my teeth. Or biting my finger nails. It's so frustrating when you seem to not even be in control of it all.

So...on this day...where we heal by breathing...I took my photo. My one photo. And there's my girl...shining down, (do you see the two glares in the right hand corner) showing me she is always there. Mind you...I had my back to the sun...there was no glare in the camera screen. And BOOM. My baby Ari is there. While I took some time to breathe, she breathed more life into me. I love you sweet girl. Thank you for visiting me today <3

9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace.

#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 19

Day 19: give

I really want to dedicate today's post about what others have given to us. 

After our decision was made about cremation, having a "place" for Ari was a concern for me. I wanted a special place to go and see her. Luckily, a prayer was answered and a group of wonderful mom friends as well as my work pulled together and purchased us two bricks for our sweet girl. 



I know I have brought this up numerous times, but it really is such a beautiful place for her. She is surrounded by other angels, and every May and December a group of parents and families who have lost their children too soon, gather and honor their children. 



To hear MY daughter's name in a crowd, knowing they are talking about HER, means the world. To me, it means she's never forgotten. It means her name, her life, her meaning, it really MEANT something. It wasn't all for nothing. 

It's because of this, I feel the urge to help others when they are in greater need than I am. Giving is the way God teaches to love one another. Even in our deepest sorrow. It is by giving we can open our hearts. Giving love. Hope. Thanks. Giving, is what we do best when it is in the name of the Lord. 

So, thank you, to those who opened their hearts to give this to our family. This beautiful gift. A place of love, healing, and visiting our precious girl. 




9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace.
#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 18

Day 18: gratitude

I told you the #16 has screwed me up...



It is definitely day 18...

I'm so very thankful and grateful for these three little ladies. I can't say enough about how much I love them all. I'm also very thankful for the weekends I get to just snuggle and love on them. They are all beautiful, awesome, crazy and loveable in their own special ways. These beautiful shining faces give me hope each day for love. No matter how wrong things can go in life, as long as my daughters are in my heart, I know I can overcome anything. Love you girls. All four of you! <3

9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace.
#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 17

Day 17: explore

Well, apparently the weekends really screw me up. I've been thinking it's day 16 for 4 days now. As you'll see in some of my photos...



Anywho...

I've been trying to think of what to post about this all day...and then it finally hit me. 

This beautiful mess of grief is like climbing through the Rockies when I was little. Having the mountains as your backyard gave plenty of opportunity for exploring. I could literally walk out my back door to a mountain. We constantly had elk in our yard. There was never such a thing as not seeing wild life on the way to school. EVER. 

You had to be careful though. The terrain is unforgiving. There are wild animals everywhere. The weather was so unpredictable some days, one second you'd be wearing your winter gear, the next you are in a t-shirt. I loved this place. I still do. I wish I could visit it more often. My father is buried out there and it would mean so much to just be able to visit him and heal from that loss that happened over 15 years ago. 

Colorado reminds me so much if the journey we have been through with the loss of our sweet girl. It's rocky, sometimes scary, other times you are just trekking through. As a whole though, when you get to the top of the mountain and look at all that you've had to go through to get where you are, the quick realization sets in if how beautiful and perfectly made it all is.

9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace.

#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 16

Day 16: retreat
My retreat most days is my car. I have a long drive to and from work. When it is winter, my commute can triple or quadruple depending on the roads. I spend a lot of time in there and it gives me a lot of time to pray, worship and think. It also gives me plenty of time to scream, yell and cry. Because we all know that grief isn't constantly rainbows and butterflies.

3 kids will do that to ya though...there's no such thing as a "quiet" place in the house. So my car has become my solace place.

If I had a REAL retreat...a REAL place I would want to go and get away...it would be here. Along the beautiful beaches of Fiji. A place I have always dreamed of going to escape...even if just for an hour. The sound of the ocean, the feeling of being (literally) in the middle of no where, the sand between my toes. It would almost...almost be heaven. 

9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace.
‪#‎CaptureYourGrief‬ ‪#‎WhatHealsYourHeart‬ ‪#‎AriellaGrace‬

Capture Your Grief: Day 15

Day 15: community
 

To all those who have loved and lost too soon, I say a prayer for you. May all our angels kiss us in our dreams as we sleep tonight.

 

I really can't add much more than what I posted on my Facebook. I miss my baby. That will never go away. I pray that all those who have lost a child have someone's shoulder to cry on when the hard feelings hit them. Much love to you all. 

I love you sweet girl.
9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace

#MommysLittleAngel #PregnancyAndInfantLoss #Awareness #CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 14

Day 14: dark/light.

The hard thing about grief is no one tells you how it will affect you. Or your spouse. Or your children. Or your parents. Our your friends. We all suffer in different ways. Grief brings me down to the deepest pits of darkness some days. There aren't words for the darkness I have for not being able to hold my baby. There are so many life altering things that happen when you lose a child. What do you say when someone asks how many children you have when you had a fully living breathing flesh of child for 8 weeks? Or when someone is having a bad day and you have the unrelenting feeling of screaming at them to get over it because what they are dealing with is nothing in comparison to losing a child? The thought of her never leaves.

But there is light. SOOOO much light. God's will is good. His love is real. I look to God more now than ever to pull me out of my darkness. To lead me to the light. I never thought after losing a child, so much love could come out of it. No one ever says that loss creates love. You hear "you don't know what you have until you've lost it" but never "you don't know how much love you can give until you've lost a piece of your heart." I've learned its not about comparing my situation to yours. It's not about me having a worse or harder life. It's about showing how to come out if the dark times, the hard times, and how to be a light for others. Yes, losing Ari sucks. It's not fair. God didn't take her away though, He is giving us an opportunity to grow closer to him through our loss.

The statistics of parents who get divorced after child loss is alarmingly high...but Steve and I made a commitment not only to each other, but to God as well that we would never leave each other. Through dark or light. Better or worse. 





No matter the darkness, I know where to find the light.

9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace.
#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 13

Day 13: season

Miss Ariella was born in the fall. 2 days before my birthday. It really was a beautiful day. It is one of my favorite times of year simply for all the color, but also for the sweatshirts, pumpkins and extra warm snuggles. 

 



When we were home together we would always dance in the living room and look out the window at all the leaves falling. 

4 days before she gained her wings, I looked out our window and saw snow falling down. It was somewhat early in the season for snow, but I thought it was so cool and I instantly grabbed Ari, brought her to the window and showed her the wonder outside. Her little face lit up instantly. It wasn't the prettiest day in fall, or what I would hope for, but knowing my baby got to experience snow in her short life here is truly amazing to me. This is the photo I took that day, with her in my arms, as we looked outside together.

This time of year will always remind me of our special time we had together, just the two of us. She is my little fall baby. 



9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace.
‪#‎CaptureYourGrief‬ ‪#‎WhatHealsYourHeart‬ ‪#‎AriellaGrace‬

Capture Your Grief: Day 12

Day 12: music

 1. God's not dead, ‪#‎Newsboys‬. I first heard this song on ‪#‎KTIS‬ when I was pregnant with Ari. Her name means "Lion of God" so whenever I heard this song I smiled and knew that God gave me hope in having a completed family with this sweet little baby. She was quite the mover too and seemed to always be "roaring" inside my belly. 
Today, the song takes on a whole new meaning for me. 
God's NOT dead. And Ari is living on the inside of me, still roaring like a lion. Her presence is always there.

 2. ‪#‎MercyMe‬ Welcome To The New. We heard these guys at ‪#‎joyfulnoise2014‬ and instantly loved their new album. I don't remember the last time I actually bought a CD previously...but I did that night! One of my favorites is "Finish What He Started". Get a preview of it HERE.

 3. ‪#‎Mandisa‬ Good Morning. The days leading to Ari's celebration of life, we had KTIS on in our living room constantly. The morning of, this song came on...first thing. It started the moment I turned the radio on. If you have never heard this song, I encourage you to CLICK HERE and listen to it. 
I tell ya what though, when you wake up the morning of your daughters funeral and hear this song first, it's hard to hear. REALLY really hard. However, as I've continued to hear it, it brings me peace. As stupid as it sounds, a song brought me comfort in knowing God does all things for GOOD and it is a good morning, every morning, and every day is a new day.

 4. Mandisa, Stronger. "He knows this is going to make you stronger, stronger." Enough said. Take a listen HERE.



 9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace.
‪#‎CaptureYourGrief‬ ‪#‎WhatHealsYourHeart‬ ‪#‎AriellaGrace‬