Christmas without HER

I remember the first Christmas without her. It felt like my heart was missing an entire piece, and that there was no hope for it to feel some kind of love again.
I remember the second. It was not a happy time. I missed my baby girl so much. All I wanted was to have her back. I was angry. Why her?
I am now to the third, but it's a different world. It's a different place. Having a new baby, but not having "your baby". The pride and joy you had, of THAT baby. There's nothing to show for it though besides old pictures and an urn. But it's ok.
I honestly can't think of a better time to sit and remember her. Her beautiful life. Her beautiful heart. Her beautiful mind. She was with us for a short time, but she made an impact on my life. On my husband's. On my entire family's.
Ariella.......Ariella.......Ariella.....Ms. Ariella Grace. Oh my. You just capture me. My heart. My love. Time does not heal the heart, but it does expand it. As I live every day, every moment, without you, I realize how much you mean to me. How much, in your short time here, I learned from you. I am just surprised.
I know God had a big part in it all. He is the chess master. But it never removes the love I have for you. It never removes the pain either. I'm so thankful to be your mom. To know that you're in my heart forever. Ms. Ariella Grace. You are always with me, and though I miss you, I am better this Christmas. I remember you and all that you have brought into my life. Like renewed joy, hope and love for others. I am still amazed by how you have touched my life, and others. You are missed sweet girl. Please comfort others through this holiday season and show them your light. I know you are always with me...my wish this Christmas is for you, my sweet angel, to reach others with your love and shine on them. Show them God's love and grace.

Miss you sweet girl. Merry Christmas in heaven.

A Season of Thanks

Now that November is over, and we're moving into the season of giving, I really just wanted to take a moment to outwardly say what I am thankful for. The photo below was posted on the Facebook page for the radio station I listen to here, KTIS. So in honor of that, while a little late, I give thanks...

My Mom <3

- I am thankful for my Mom. She has given me strength through my whole life. She has been, without a doubt, the most influential person in my life. Without her, I would literally be in a box under a bridge. I would literally not know what to do in certain situations. She is truly a saint in my life! I love you mom! 




- I am thankful that since my sweet Ari passed away, I have been able to take the time to look at the sun rise every morning I can. I say hi to my baby, knowing she's just waking up, saying good morning to me. It's a special time, a bonding moment, I am still able to keep and do almost on a daily basis. 













- I'm thankful for the huge team of support I gained by joining MomsLikeMe a number of years back. They truly are great women, from every aspect of life. They all radiate love when any one of us is going through hard times. We've all had our fair share of ups and downs, and it's so nice to know there is a group of women, who have kids, who really understand & care. 

- I'm thankful for my dogs. They are just the sweetest, most loving pair I could have ever asked for. 








- I'm thankful for breastfeeding! I'm thankful to live in a society that for the most part, accepts it. Yeah it's awkward to some, but get over it. It's natural, and it's an amazing bonding time. I have no shame in saying I breastfed my daughter for as long as I could! I'm thankful we got that time together. It has really given her and I a bond that is beyond measure! She is my little mommy's girl!


- I'm thankful for being able to go back to school and go after my real passion in life. I have always known that I wanted to be a therapist. Having a kid at 17 was not a part of my "plan" in life though, and it threw things a little off course. However, I'm so glad I am able to go back, make a plan for my life, and follow it in the interest of helping others. 

- I'm thankful for music. There are certain songs that really touch my heart through different seasons of life. I'm so glad there are many talented people out there who can help me through my times of joy, pain, anger or laughter and help me through music. 

- I am SOOOOO SOOO very thankful for my closest girlfriends. They hold me up, they make me smile, they slap me with reality when I need it, they're a shoulder to cry on, a laugh to share with, and heck, my favorite people to drink some wine with! They are my BEST friends for a reason!! I love them so freaking much! 



- I'm thankful for my church. I'm thankful for my therapist who pushed me to start going to a church. I'm thankful for the people God has placed in my life there who have been so supportive. It's an amazing feeling to know there are so many other people who are there for you, and will pray for you, no matter what. 

- I'm thankful for all of my girls. My sweet daughters. I couldn't imagine life without them, or the experiences that we have had together. They are all just AMAZING in their very own special ways. 

Ariella Grace <3 9.2-12-10.29.12

Isabelle <3

Lily <3

Nevaeh <3

 


















































- I'm thankful for my husband. While things aren't always perfect, I love him. Endlessly. He has always been there for me. He has always made me feel safe. He is my best friend...BEST friend. He is my other half. My one true love. I can't imagine my life without him.

 
- I'm thankful for God. For how he has shown up in my life in amazing ways. Through my journey of being a Christian, I have realized it is NOT easy. No matter how glorious being a Christian may seem, it is not an easy thing to do. To have constant FAITH in something you don't even know exists. To have constant FAITH that things are done in love and that all things are turned to GOOD for those who love Jesus Christ. It can be hard some days. But I'm thankful for the challenge. I'm thankful to have Jesus to lean on. To hold my hand, help me put on my big girl pants and keep on movin!

- Last for today, I struggle with how to put this into words, but I'm thankful that my daughter, Ariella, and my dad, Robert, are in heaven. Without the loss of them, my heart would never have grown to what it is today. I would never have appreciated all of the little things I see and hear and feel with my girls now. I never would have gone back to school. I never would have realized the people around me who are really there to help. I never would have become the strong, independent person I am today. I would have never known what it's like to have lost something so big in your life, and to be able to help others get through that. I can't say that I would have ever turned to God. I don't know where my life would be, but it sure would be different from what it is today. And I love my life today. I'm thankful for every second. No matter the battles I face, or trials that come my way...

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

So, on that note. I encourage you...to daily...yes DAILY...write down what you are thankful for. It is encouragement and humbling to have to sit down and be thankful. It's a discipline. But it's the discipline God calls us to do. Pray. Give thanks. In all things!

Giving it up...

No...not giving up...giving "IT" up. 

As in control. Of everything. All of it. Leaving nothing to try and control on your own. 

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.
Psalm 55:22 
Let's be honest. This is much easier said than done. As humans, we want control of our lives and the people around us. We want to make sure that we know every little thing that is going on in our lives. That we control it. 

I've come to the realization lately that I can't do this. I can't control everything. In fact, I can't control a LOT of things. I just have to let go....

Again, this is much easier said than done. It's not easy to fully trust in something you can't see, hear, or touch. But is it crazy to put your trust in that rather than always being stressed and crazed by trying to trust ourselves? I can't honestly say that I can trust in myself to be calm around my daughter's father (we have been separated and have had a rocky road for 8+ years). I can't trust in myself to even think about speaking to him and not putting him down. I can't trust myself to choose which job is right for me to take, if any at all. I can't trust that I can protect my kids 100% of the time. I can't trust that life will be perfect. Ever. What I can trust though, is God. God will help me. God will be with me. God is in control...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future"
Jeremiah 29:11

God makes beautiful things out of dust...
Then the LORD God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.
Genesis 2:7

God loves us, even at our darkest times buried in our own sins...
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8 

And sometimes, even our most painful times are what pull us closer to him...
Sometimes it takes a painful experience to make us change our ways. 
Proverbs 20:30

In the end though, all of our tears will go, all of our pain, suffering, hurt...
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
Revelation 21:4

We are given SO many promises in the Bible. So many promises of joy, love, life. All we have to do is give our lives to HIM. Give our troubles, our anxieties, our sadness to HIM. 

The power of prayer is a major help with letting go and letting God take over. It does bring peace. It does bring comfort. It does help. Just as we have to trust God well take over, there must be trust that he hears our prayers. 
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Philippians 4:6  

So, while having that trust is hard...do not fear...for God is with us. 

The Storm of Life

Ooooh life. 

I really don't have a specific topic for this post...I just need to get some things off my chest. 

Life has thrown a LOT of things my way recently. I have been struggling not only with the loss of my daughter, but with the loss of my dad. It's hard to believe it has really been 15 years since he passed away. The battle he had with cancer was not a pretty one. Four years of treatment, four years of chemo, four years of scans, doctors, tumors and fighting for his life. And now...15 years that he has been gone. 

I have been struggling lately. With my marriage. With my kids. With my schooling. With my job. With our finances. With my oldest child's dad. With seeing how many others are struggling in their lives. With the freaking weather!!! With life. It just seems like everything seems to be swirling in a blizzard and I can't find my way to a safe place. To somewhere calm. I don't know when it will all end either. I don't know when or how to control it all. I don't know what to do to make everything better. It's safe to say, I just want "normal" back. Whatever my normal was before all of this happened. 

God is an ever present thought in my head. We have many conversations on my long car rides to work. Some of them are good, some of them I cry, some of them I scream, and some of them I just sit in silence hoping God sees me, that he knows my pains. 

But when will God respond? I know he built me as a strong woman. I know I can handle everything...one step at a time...but when will the storm be over? My husband and I are currently in the Alpha course with our church. If you ever have an opportunity to go through it, do it. It's a great course! There is one thing that keeps running through my mind. In one of the videos, Jamie Haith says "If you wanted to have an easy life, then don't become a Christian." And I find this so true. Since giving my life to Christ, our family has had nothing BUT struggles. I honestly wish I had time to sit and list them all just to give an understanding. At the same time, we have had so many blessings and every struggle that I have only brings me closer to him. To need him more. To want him more in my life to save me. I turn to him in my worst moments. 

Through everything, I know it will all be ok. God will provide. God will stand strong in my life. All this is doing is pulling me closer to him, reaching out to those who don't know him to show his love. I found myself praying for my ex (my daughter's father) the other day...and multiple times since then. To some people, this guy doesn't deserve a thing but to be stuck in a ditch somewhere and never found. Somehow, I found the strength to pray for him. Somehow, I know God will work something through him, if I continue to pray. Because honestly, I don't know who else would be praying for the guy. 

Last night, I also found myself having a conversation with my dad. I couldn't audibly hear him, but the thoughts that went through my head I knew were not my own. It was comforting. It was such a blessing. I feel as though I even got a glimpse of my sweet angel Ariella as a little girl. A short, but beautiful glimpse. Something I have silently prayed for since reading the book The Shack (great read by the way, if you get a chance...read it). She had beautiful flowing curly hair, just as I imagined her when she was here on earth. Anyway, the conversation with my dad was simple, yet satisfying. I told him I missed him, he told me he missed me. I told him life is hard. He said I know. I asked him to hug my baby. He said he would. I asked him if everything would turn out right, and he said of course, God has big plans for you dear, now rest your eyes. And I did. 

As I said, this post has no real meaning...I just needed to get some things off my chest. My advice to anyone who is going through the storm of their life...turn to God. Because while it may all be swirling around you, God is surrounding you through it all.

Capture Your Grief: Day 29

Day 29: reflect
 
On this day, where we celebrate, mourn, miss and remember you, I reflect. I reflect on your life. How much joy you gave me. How beautiful you are. How amazingly strong you were for such an itty baby. How you helped our dog Moe get used to having a baby around. How many people you touched. How your light still shines so bright in my life. I miss you, terribly.
 
While child loss is devastating, it has grown my heart so much. It has made me appreciate life so much more. There's no way to describe the hurt, yet the joy that there is from such an event. "Capture Your Grief" has truly allowed me say what I need to. Express my hurt and joy from the crazy event that we suffered through. I know, without a doubt, it is what I needed.

No matter what, I'll always miss you. I'll always want to see you. I'll always love you. 

Gone from my arms, but never from my heart.
 
9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace.
#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 28

Day 28: Words of Wisdom

I think we have all heard of the 5 stages of grief before (Denial/Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). Each person moves through them so differently. Honestly, my personal walk with grief has been such a whirlwind that I think I have gone through each stage multiple times in the past two years. When it comes to wisdom though, what I can share about my grief, and how to deal with it, is this...

• Don't EVER be afraid to say my baby's name. If you don't know it, it is Ariella Grace. I WANT to hear it. I WANT to know that she is not forgotten. 
• There may be days where you see me, and my eyes are red and puffy, I look like I've just cried for hours, and I probably did. But if I'm talking to you, I'm probably OK at that moment. If I run away, then you'll know I am not OK. 
• Yes. I cry. Get over it. 
• Grief of you child is not something you take day by day. It is something that comes minute by minute. 
• If you are having a bad day, don't feel like you can't come talk to me because your problem is so "small"...I'm an open book and love to talk to anyone, about anything. 
• Be there. It's hard sometimes...I get it. It's hard for me too. But just be there. 

I'm sure there is a lot more that I could say...a lot more I could try and think of...but these are the main things. 

Grief sucks. To say the very least. However, with love, support, prayers and friendships, it is manageable.

Capture Your Grief: Day 27

Day 27: Express

I took a few days off for some much needed rest and relaxation. On top of that, this whole grief process this month has really been starting to get to me...especially because we are coming up on the date our sweet girls angelversary.  

It has been almost two years. 
Two years since I held you. 
Two years since I kissed you. 
Two years since I whispered "I love you" in your ears. 
Two years since I snuggled you. 
Two years since I danced and sang with you. 
Two years since I changed your diapers.
Two years since I said my last good night.
Two years since I have been able to think straight. 
Two years since I have been able to go through a single day without a tear coming to my eye. 
Two years. 

It may not seem like a long time...but in the world of grief...some days it feels like an eternity. 
Two years since I saw your precious face for the very last time. 
Two years since I was able to look down on you and call you my precious angel.
Two years since I woke up and touched your cold skin. 
Two years since I had to make the most awful phone calls of my life and explain to the police, and our loved ones, that our sweet girl has left us for heaven. 
Two years since I sat in my living room with a barrage of people promising to be there for us. 
Two years since I got to kiss you goodbye on your cold, lifeless cheeks. 
Two years since I had to put cabbage leaves on my boobs to stop the milk from pouring out (yes, that's a real thing). 
Two years since my life was literally, turned upside down. 
TWO YEARS.

I honestly never thought I'd make it this far. My heart aches. I am in a minute by minute battle with my own heart and soul to still be here on this earth...to watch my other girls grow and thrive...but I just miss her...soooo so much. The hardest thing about any day for me, is getting out of bed. Finding motivation to go on. Somehow I do. Somehow I am able to pull myself together and get on with things. "Move on" as they say.

I have never really been one to reach out and express when I'm sad, or lonely, or feeling heartbroken. Probably because it is a constant feeling, sometimes it is just worse than others. Sometimes it's deeper. Sometimes it's so faded in the background I don't really realize it's there. I have never really been one to admit when I needed help. I have always grown up as a strong, independent woman, and I thought nothing could break me. Until this.

Grief has hit me hard this month, and this year. The first year our sweet girl was gone, I thought it was acceptable to not plan birthdays, or be prepared for holidays. Now though, I find myself scurrying at the last second to buy a cake for my one year old. I am not excited for Halloween and seeing all the kids run around in their silly costumes. I am not excited for Christmas and the remembrance of Jesus being born. And come on...who doesn't LOVE Christmas?!?!?! Every holiday has hit me like a train out of no where. Time has gone by too quickly...yet too slow at the same time. 

I imagine the day I get to see you again. How joyous that will be. But because you aren't here now, life seems so empty sometimes. You aren't here in my arms. I am not the same person I was two years ago. I miss you. 

As I sit here and write this, I can't help but feel like I'm riding my own pity train to Whinersville. I can't help but think that I'm just going crazy. I can't help it. I feel like I have tried so hard, for so long, to be so strong in the eyes of everyone else.I feel like all of the challenges I have been faced with are just tests of the strength I do have. I hear constantly...CONSTANTLY...how strong our family is, how strong I am, what an inspiration we are to others. But the truth is...I miss her. There is a hole...a massive hole...in my heart. The only reason I am still here today to talk about my massive hole...is because I have trust in the Lord. Trust that He will heal me. Trust that He will be with me, every single step of the way. And while there are days where I honestly feel SO alone in this...so alone...I know He is always there to comfort me. 

I love my husband more than anything, but we are both struggling with our own grief. Struggling with waking up. Struggling with motivation. Struggling with how to survive this horrible loss. It's a tough thing. It's a strain on our whole family. At church this weekend though, our pastor took apart Proverbs 3:5-6. This is a verse I literally look at EVERY DAY at my desk. I have a piece of paper with that verse on it, hanging in my cubicle. If you do not know it...it goes like this...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, submit to Him, and he will make your paths straight.

Trust in him for my marriage, for my grief, for my finances, for my kids, for my friends, for my church, for everything. It's harder than it seems...especially when you're driving to work having a screaming match with the guy. I do trust though...that even through all of this, all the good days, bad days, hard and easy days, He will make my paths straight. 

ALL OF THEM. 

It's a good reminder. I know we would never be able to make it through all of this without our faith, or without God. I'm not saying it's easy...by any means. This is a situation I wouldn't wish upon my biggest enemy. But there is comfort in the arms of Jesus, as bible bumpy as that may sound...it is honest truth coming from an honest woman...who is honestly...having a really hard time grieving the loss of her child. 

To all the other parents out there who have lost a child, whether it is pregnancy, infant, adult children, God children, grandchildren, or any of the sort...I pray for you. For hope. Healing. Love. For God to wrap his arms around you. It is not easy...but you are never ever alone. 

While I can sit here and write this all and make it sound so pretty and peachy and like it's something I never forget...I do. I do forget. As I said, this walk can be soooo lonely some days. If you know someone who has lost a child...reach out to them regularly...because it is less likely they will reach out to you. 

And to my dear sweet angel...I can't believe we are almost at two years. You are missed. You are loved beyond words. And again...I cannot wait for that joyous day where I get to see you and spend eternity with you. Forever and always.... mommy

(one last note...this was extremely hard for me to write and express my emotions with such rawness. I seriously encourage you, if you know someone who has gone through child loss...reach out to them. Be a good friend/neighbor/stranger. It is not easy to express how much you miss your child.)

9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace.
‪#‎CaptureYourGrief‬ ‪#‎WhatHealsYourHeart‬ ‪#‎AriellaGrace‬

Capture Your Grief: Day 22

Day 22: self-care

(Catching up here) I took a for real self care day. A long bath, a glass of wine, and sleep. Being sick right now certainly isn't helpful, but forced me to take a few self care days.  

Self care is something I need to take better care to do. I think I focus so much on everyone else, making sure they are ok, before I look in the mirror to make sure that I am ok. It's not an easy thing to do though, after child loss. The world has slipped out from under you and taking the time to care for yourself seems meaningless sometimes. 

What I do know, is a good bath, a good glass of wine, a good book and some quiet time is definitely something I need to make a regular habit out of. 



9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace.
#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 21

Day 21: Relationship

This guy. Let me tell you about this guy. He is amazing. He is strong. He is funny. He is humble. He is a hockey lover. He is amusing. He has an amazing smile that puts light into my heart. He is my rock. 

 

He is mine. Forever.
The the pictures of us (above) are from before, during, and after our loss of our sweet angel. The one on the right is a plaque we got as a wedding gift...reading "marriage takes three"

The one constant in our marriage is Christ. We know we couldn't do this without Him. We know we couldn't love the way we do, without Him. We know, without Him, "us"wouldn't be possible. I thank God that I have a husband who understands and abides by that. I thank God for putting such a man in my life. I thank God that we were able to come together and find Christ, together. I am so grateful for the journey that we have been on...no matter how hard or how many struggles it has been. We are always there for each other.

We by no means are perfect, or have a perfect marriage. We have our own flaws...but this guy...he is mine...forever...and I'm so thankful he understands that our relationship is nothing without God. I love you babe. If we had to do it all over again, I'd still choose you. xoxoxo

9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace

#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

 

Now, I realize the following is a TON of pictures...but it is our journey of photos we have had since getting pregnant with our sweet little princess...

The hubby and I at a wedding, 2014
Of course...being a couple of goofballs :)

Just hanging out at home, quick "selfie" because I don't think we have enough pictures of just the two of us. Our home is enamered with pictures of our girls...but I enjoy the pictures we have together...as silly as some of them are.

 The two of us at another wedding, 2014

 Wedding, 2014

 Celebrating Ari's 2nd birthday, 2014 at the Angel of Hope

 At a parade, summer 2014

 Joyful Noise, 2014

Joyful Noise, 2014

 Goofballs, at Joyful Noise, 2014

 We were REALLY excited!
Joyful Noise, 2014

 Out and about with family...kissy face! Summer, 2014

Picture with our "rainbow" baby :)
Spring, 2014

 Walk to remember, 2014

 Came to visit me at work :) Spring, 2014

Easter Sunday, 2014

Hockey game, 2014

And more goofiness

Our Valentines Day, 2014

Candlelight Memorial, Dec. 6th, 2013

Hangin with Izzy, Winter 2013

Joyful Noise, 2013

At a wedding, May, 2013 (I was preggars here with our "rainbow" baby...not many people knew)

Not long after our sweet angel passed away. At Operation Christmas Child. Winter, 2012

 At a wedding. Ari was only a few weeks old, already getting out and seeing the world! Fall, 2012

Just a little newborn baby. September, 2012

Bringing her home from the hospital. September, 2012

MN State Fair, September, 2012

Blue Man Group...PREGGO! Summer/Fall, 2012
 

BMG - Summer/Fall 2012



















There is no love, like the one you knew from the start was going to last. We knew. We knew God had a plan for us. I love that I get to love you, grow in our relationship, and extend our relationship with God together. You are my best friend, my comforter, my everything. I can't say it enough...I love you

<3 <3 <3