I really don't have a specific topic for this post...I just need to get some things off my chest.
Life has thrown a LOT of things my way recently. I have been struggling not only with the loss of my daughter, but with the loss of my dad. It's hard to believe it has really been 15 years since he passed away. The battle he had with cancer was not a pretty one. Four years of treatment, four years of chemo, four years of scans, doctors, tumors and fighting for his life. And now...15 years that he has been gone.
I have been struggling lately. With my marriage. With my kids. With my schooling. With my job. With our finances. With my oldest child's dad. With seeing how many others are struggling in their lives. With the freaking weather!!! With life. It just seems like everything seems to be swirling in a blizzard and I can't find my way to a safe place. To somewhere calm. I don't know when it will all end either. I don't know when or how to control it all. I don't know what to do to make everything better. It's safe to say, I just want "normal" back. Whatever my normal was before all of this happened.
God is an ever present thought in my head. We have many conversations on my long car rides to work. Some of them are good, some of them I cry, some of them I scream, and some of them I just sit in silence hoping God sees me, that he knows my pains.
But when will God respond? I know he built me as a strong woman. I know I can handle everything...one step at a time...but when will the storm be over? My husband and I are currently in the Alpha course with our church. If you ever have an opportunity to go through it, do it. It's a great course! There is one thing that keeps running through my mind. In one of the videos, Jamie Haith says "If you wanted to have an easy life, then don't become a Christian." And I find this so true. Since giving my life to Christ, our family has had nothing BUT struggles. I honestly wish I had time to sit and list them all just to give an understanding. At the same time, we have had so many blessings and every struggle that I have only brings me closer to him. To need him more. To want him more in my life to save me. I turn to him in my worst moments.
Through everything, I know it will all be ok. God will provide. God will stand strong in my life. All this is doing is pulling me closer to him, reaching out to those who don't know him to show his love. I found myself praying for my ex (my daughter's father) the other day...and multiple times since then. To some people, this guy doesn't deserve a thing but to be stuck in a ditch somewhere and never found. Somehow, I found the strength to pray for him. Somehow, I know God will work something through him, if I continue to pray. Because honestly, I don't know who else would be praying for the guy.
Last night, I also found myself having a conversation with my dad. I couldn't audibly hear him, but the thoughts that went through my head I knew were not my own. It was comforting. It was such a blessing. I feel as though I even got a glimpse of my sweet angel Ariella as a little girl. A short, but beautiful glimpse. Something I have silently prayed for since reading the book The Shack (great read by the way, if you get a chance...read it). She had beautiful flowing curly hair, just as I imagined her when she was here on earth. Anyway, the conversation with my dad was simple, yet satisfying. I told him I missed him, he told me he missed me. I told him life is hard. He said I know. I asked him to hug my baby. He said he would. I asked him if everything would turn out right, and he said of course, God has big plans for you dear, now rest your eyes. And I did.
As I said, this post has no real meaning...I just needed to get some things off my chest. My advice to anyone who is going through the storm of their life...turn to God. Because while it may all be swirling around you, God is surrounding you through it all.
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