Capture Your Grief: Day 6

Day 6: books.

I feel like I have a whole arsenal of books that deal with grief, faith, hope, etc. All of them have been credited somewhere as being great for someone. I have read a little bit of each one of these and hearing some other stories can be healing....but nothing is ever as real or heart wrenching as my own story, to me. 

However, one I do absolutely love, is Heaven Is For Real. The kid or adult version. They're both eye opening. My daughter, the #RedHead especially loves the children's version.

As I've grown older, I have enjoyed reading a bit more, and I do really hope to one day have these all read, plus more, in their entirety.

Ariella Grace. 9.2.12 - 10.29.12.
#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 5

Day 5: journal

This one has been a hard one for me. Don't get me wrong, I love to write. I love to tell people my story. But since you passed, it's hard to even know what to write. What I do know is, I find comfort in typing out a blog, even though not many people read it. I don't care. Getting my thoughts about faith, pain, life, and anything else helps. It gives me peace. My struggle and faith may possibly, someday lead to someone else's path in finding Christ.

Beyond just writing about Ari though, I find healing in writing my prayers. I can't say I have been the best at this lately, but this day shows me I should be more intentional about it. Seeing the prayers God answers is incredible!
 
I also find healing in doodles. They're not always the prettiest, or the lines may not always be colored in perfectly, but drawing gives me a sense of freedom, deliverance and expressing myself. Journaling my heart isn't always easy, but it sure is healing. 

Ariella Grace. 9.2.12 - 10.29-12.
#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 4

Day 4: Now 

Since you gained your wings, nothing has been the same. The colors in a rainbow, the sounds of the birds, the smell of flowers, how the stars look at night. NOTHING. Some things are better, some things are worse.

For instance, the stars. I used to look at the stars and not think about who, or what was up there. Now I look up, hoping for a little extra glimmer of a star where you are shining down from. 
Food. Oh how I LOVE food. It's just not the same without you here though. Eating is actually hard for me. I remember you and I, we used to snuggle and cuddle and then I would have to go make dinner, or wanted to bake something. It never failed, as soon as I was half-way through chopping up my first ingredient, you would start WAILING and crying. Couldn't let something else take your mommy time. 

Now when I cook, I miss that. I miss you needing me. 


We have since had our Rainbow Baby, miss Izzy bear. 

She is such a joy. She is truly our ray of sunshine. 
When I was pregnant with her, I couldn't picture how I could love her after losing you...but the truth is, losing you has made me love all of our kids so much more. I can't even leave my house without giving each and every person hugs and kisses, and if I don't I feel horrible. Even if I am mad, the last thing I would ever want is for the last thing my kids saw of me, or I saw of them, to be negative. Life is a gift, and you never know how quickly it can be taken away. Even through all of this, I never knew I could love so much, even with such a great big hole in my heart. I can't say that hole has been "filled," because it will always be missing. But having another baby by no means has been a method of replacing you...rather healing that hole. Love is a funny thing. It can cut you so deep, yet lift you up so much. 

I can't say that I don't struggle. I miss you. I cry. I get mad. I ask why us, why me? I get downright depressed. There are days that go by that I so wish I could be with you and happy rather than here on earth in pain and suffering. I know I will have my time though. 

I hold strong to our faith too, and I know one day we will meet again and all those questions will be answered and I will finally be able to snuggle you again.

I included a picture of our family today. Our whole family. We are at the angel of hope where our sweet girl has two bricks in her honor. These were both gifted to our family and we cherish them so much. This is our visiting place. Where we can say hello, be with her and in the presence of so many other angel babies. 

This loss has rocked our family. Through it all though, we have Christ. Our faith is the glue that holds us together and keeps us all strong.



Now is hard. Every day is a struggle. It's still not living "day to day" but rather "hour by hour." I miss you my sweet. One day....we will meet again. 

Ariella Grace. 9.2.12 - 10.29-12.

#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 3

Capture Your Grief: Day 3: Before

Today is about sharing who I was before we lost our daughter. Before the most unimaginable thing happened.

Before you passed away, I was happy. I was hopelessly in love (and still am). I didn't have a clue though the amount of love a person can really hold for another. I never ever EVER thought that something like this could happen to me, or our family. 

Somewhere deep inside though, I knew we wouldn't have you for long.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant (which happened to be Christmas eve) my world was a living fairy tale. I had my prince charming, and now we were going to have a baby that would help complete our blended family. We were all elated! I told the family that I was pregnant on Christmas morning of 2011. Dad was kind of confused at first, but he eventually realized the three pregnancy tests in front of him were all positive and that mama was pregnant! I was so excited!

   


I took pictures every single week of my growing belly. I made sure to capture every moment of my pregnancy and life while I was pregnant with you. We had a "gender reveal" party to tell everyone what we were having...and it was...

  

A GIIIRL!!!! I LOOOOVED being pregnant with you. It was the most incredible thing.

 







We had a baby shower where we were gifted with so many blessings and beautiful things for you...

I mean...it was a LOOT!

Then you arrived and you were perfection. I swear there were fairies all around that just sprinkled love and glitter all around. Everything just seemed so unbelievably perfect. 

   

When you were born, you came out so dang fast that you never really had a chance to let go of all of the fluids in your body, so the doctors had to suck them out for you. This did NOT make you happy. In all your fussing and screaming, your big sister was patiently waiting to hold you, so we gave you to her and all of a sudden, there was silence. You put the biggest smile on your biggest sister!!! And she still remembers it to this day. 

 

From there, you and I spent the next 8 weeks together. We bonded. We snuggled. We did photo shoots. I never put a camera down. It was always up and always ready to snap a photo. You also got to meet a lot of really awesome people...

   
 


This is definitely not everyone...but you met a LOT of friends! 

As I laid you down to sleep on October 28th, 2012, I knew something was wrong. You weren't being you. I just had a feeling that things would not be the same when I woke up. 
And they weren't. 

Before.

While you were only with us for 8 weeks...they were the greatest 8 weeks of my life.
Ariella Grace. 9.2.12 - 10.29.12
#‎CaptureYourGrief‬ ‪#‎WhatHealsYourHeart‬ ‪#‎AriellaGrace‬

Capture Your Grief: Day 2

Here we are, day 2 of Capture Your Grief. I must say, I didn't think much of this one until I had totally finished up my drawing, and I was taking a picture of it. I was reminded of sitting in the living room when Ari had passed away. 



There were so many people, and just a ton of things going on all at once. I could barely think, let alone understand all the garbity gook that was going on. However, I do remember, quite clearly, that not too long after she was taken from our home, we were asked if we would like to donate her organs. I looked at my husband, knew that he knew what I was thinking and responded "YES". As we went throughout the process of signing papers, preparing the body, etc. we came to find that the only organ they were able to hold and take was her HEART.

I can't lie. There was a little part of me that was angry. Asking God, "why not all of it!?! You took her from me, at least let her help others as much as possible!!" It truly was a boggle of my mind. I didn't understand. However, we arrived at her wake and received these little pins.
As silly as it sounds, these pins made it OK for me. Ok that it was "just" her heart that they took. Because no matter what, I knew that for a fact, her little heart would live on in others for a very long time. Her light will shine in others. 

I imagine sometimes that I may actually get to meet the recipient(s) of her organ donation, and that when I do, I will see her in them. 

Here is my "social media" post:

Day 2: Heart
Oh Ari...how special you are. From the moment you were born I knew your heart was made of gold. Little did I know, your little golden heart would stop beating one morning. 

However, as we sat on our living room in shock, we were asked if we would like to donate our sweet angels organs. Without a question of doubt we said yes. 

The only organ they were able to take was Ari's HEART. As devastating as losing her has been, we knew she will always live on in the hearts of others. I miss you my sweet girl...  

"the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18

Ariella Grace. 9.2.12 - 10.29.12 ‪#‎CaptureYourGrief‬ ‪#‎WhatHealsYourHeart‬ ‪#‎AriellaGrace‬

Capture Your Grief: Day 1

If you personally know our family, or have kept up with things in this blog, the news of our family grieving the loss of our daughter is not new. I know it has been a while since I have posted here, but I have really had a hard time figuring out what to write. 

Faith is a funny thing sometimes. It's ever changing. It's always showing you new things. It's bringing you to new people, making you look at things in different ways. For me, keeping my faith is crucial to my daily walk. It's something I never let go of.

  Getting back to the news of our grieving daughter and how that relates here today. October is National SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. 

Infant loss is hard at any stage in the game. Whether you are 8 weeks pregnant, or have an 8 week old. There is so much that you look at that you can never do with your child now. So much that you can now only dream about. 

In the case of our daughter, we lost her to SIDS at 8 weeks old. To read more about it you can read "Our Biggest Test Yet"

As much as I sit and lament some days about what I could have done, or could have said, or could have remembered to do better, I want to take the time this month to share my grief. To open a door that not many people see. I will be doing it on my social media pages as well, but here I can share the more intimate moments. 

Carly Marie has started a project that allows those who have suffered through a loss to find a way to capture and share their grief throughout the month of October.

 

I will try and post every day, or a few days at a time. Part of a faith journey is capturing moments like these to realize what you do have, what you can appreciate and see where God fits into all of that. 

So...with all that said...here is my day 1 of capturing grief:

Day 1: Sunrise. 7:15am. Minneapolis, MN
A bit gloomy and rainy this morning in #Minneapolis Today begins the journey of #CaptureYourGrief for SIDS, Pregnancy, and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
 

It is this month, two years ago, we lost our sweet girl. I'll never forget that day. Never. I will never forget waking up and realizing you were gone. I'll never forget the chaos that ensued afterwards and how much shock we were all in. I will never forget. 

While today's sunrise isn't a big bright and beautiful one, every day I still look to the morning sky to see what kind of beautiful paintings you create and who you shine down on with all the other angels up there. It never fails, mornings are our time together. While I drive to work and watch the sun rise, I think of you. Your little smile. Your little hands and feet.

You are MY sunshine love. May you shine your bright light even through the clouds and the rain. Each day you renew me. 

"Because of the Lord's great love we ate not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are NEW EVERY MORNING; great is your faithfulness" lamentation 3:22-23

Ariella Grace. 9.2.12 - 10.29.12

#WhatHealsYourHeart #CaptureYourGrief #AriellaGrace

Faith in What's Right

It has been a few months since I've posted. Got caught up in life. 

A little update, we welcomed our daughter Izzy in October. She's almost 4 months and is doing wonderfully. We're so thankful to have a healthy, beautiful little girl to add to our family. The loss of our daughter Ariella hit our family very hard and is still very hard for us to go through some days. However, love and compassion has refilled our hearts and been stronger than ever with the arrival of this precious little girl. God is good. 

In the meantime, I have been somewhat stumped as to what to write about for my next post. I have had a few things come to mind, but nothing that really stuck out that I felt would be "enough" for me. I have written about the journey, love, faith through storms, childlike faith and faith through friends. I know there has to be more to write about than that! 

And then it hit me. Everyday faith. Faith in the little things. We live our lives each day going through it routinely. Wake up, eat, work, go home, cook dinner, read, homework, kids, bed, etc. Day in and day out it's the same thing. Sometimes the brain wanders and thinks "what is this all for?" Why do I go to this job? Why do I bother keeping the house clean? Joyce Meyer was in my car with me this past week (not literally, but one of her discs on Strength and Discipline), and gave me the inspiration for this post. 

So why do we do the things we do? Because God wants us to. Because it is right. We may not want to do them, but we do them because it says that it is good to do them in the Bible, and if we follow through with what God says is good and right, then he will bless us in our lives. We have that faith. I have this argument with my kids constantly. About cleaning their rooms, or washing the dishes, and picking up their clothes. 

The whining and pouting gets old sometimes doesn't it? Even as a parent though, we fight with our kids to do these things that are right. Why? Because it's right. And God asks us and calls us to do what is right. I have the faith that if I'm raising my child right, in the way that God calls me to, not only will my child have faith in God, but will be strong, faithful and loving towards God and others. I have the faith that if I do my best, God will help with the rest. 

This does mean doing things we don't want to though. I tell ya, my least favorite thing to do is the laundry and the dishes. Especially the dishes. Do I do them anyway? Yep. Why? Because it's what I should do. I should keep my house in order. I should get my homework done in time. I should make my kids look decent before they head out the door. If I can't keep my own life in order and intact, how can I expect to lead others in the way God wants me to? 

Another Joyce Meyers saying:

As my inspiration for this post, I must share that Joyce has some great CD sets that you can listen to. You can check out some of it HERE. If you get a chance, check her out. She really is a great inspiration to God's word and how to live your life for God. 

As I said before, sometimes we have to do things we don't like. In the end though, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose, Romans 8:28. If you don't know that verse, it is a good one to review daily. 

Faith is a gift. We should use it in every way that we possibly can. It's important to exercise our faith muscles daily. If that includes doing things that aren't fun and what we don't necessarily want to do, so be it.