Regardless, I just wanted to share that today is my little girl's birthday. Because of her, I want my faith to shine through every day, moment and thing that I do. She inspires me.
Happy Birthday baby girl!!!
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Birthday Wishes!
Today is a magical day. One of my favorite days in the whoooole wide world! Today is my oldest daughter's birthday. 8 years ago I struggled with one of the hardest decisions of my life. As a 17 year old, I wasn't sure that I was ready for a kid. Her "dad" was not the most supportive person, was on drugs and we constantly fought over everything. It was the most stressful pregnancy ever. At the end of 9 months of H-E-Double Hockey Sticks....there she was. The most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on. Healthy as could be (which was a shock considering all the things I did and went through in my pregnancy that was NOT healthy). She was truly a miracle. I guess I could say from that moment, I started to have a bit of faith building in me. There was hope for better things.
Regardless, I just wanted to share that today is my little girl's birthday. Because of her, I want my faith to shine through every day, moment and thing that I do. She inspires me.
Happy Birthday baby girl!!!
Regardless, I just wanted to share that today is my little girl's birthday. Because of her, I want my faith to shine through every day, moment and thing that I do. She inspires me.
Happy Birthday baby girl!!!
Monday, March 25, 2013
Leaping Away
3 years ago, I first met my husband. We were both in a state of our lives where we weren't sure where to go, what to do, how to help ourselves or even what to think at times. We were just living. Waking up, going to work, coming home and going to bed. There was no passion.
My husband had just suffered a brain hemorrhage near his Cerebellum. Amazingly, he was able to greatly recover by the time I had met him which was just a month or two later. He also has familial polyposis, which required him to have his large intestines removed in high school. I remember being in awe of him and his story. What he had been through, the things he had endured at his young age. He had such strength. Yet, he still wanted more in life. I can remember the late night talking and texting (our schedules were opposite at the time, so the only time we really had to talk was late at night). I would stay up til the wee hours of the morning just to keep him company on his overnights. Even before we met, I had the feeling of a 16 year old girl having her first crush. I had NEVER felt this way about a person. EVER.
We finally decided to meet...in person. We like to joke that our first date was when he fell head over heels for me, because he literally just about fell on his face on our way out the door of our first date. I saved him...like any princess would save her prince! I remember talking about God on our date. Neither one of us really having a relationship, knowledge, or complete faith in him yet, but knowing 100% that He brought us together for something. Whether it was just to play hockey, be friends, whatever, we knew something big was in the works.
A few months later, he told me that the girl he was seeing before me, was pregnant, and that it was his. I remember seeing him so vulnerable, scared and at a loss of words because he didn't want to lose me. At the time though, all I could think was that he accepted my daughter into his life, and I couldn't turn my back on him when he was going to have a child of his own. It was quite obvious the mother of this child and him would NEVER be back together.
Because of his medical history, at the time he wasn't sure if he wanted involvement or wanted a child period, and I get it. He went through a lot of pain and suffering with his medical issues. He didn't want his kid to go through that same ordeal. We ended up breaking up for a short time because of this event. I couldn't be with someone who wasn't willing to take the responsibilities of getting someone pregnant, regardless of their feelings on their medical problems. I dealt with that with my own daughter's father, I would not support it by dating someone who would be termed a "dead beat dad". Being together with a person who would just abandon their child did not seem like the right thing to do though. So we took a break.
We still talked, texted, went to church together and played hockey. Did all the normal things friends would do, but left it at that, friends. Really good friends. My best friend. I dated another guy for a short period between who ended up being the complete wrong person, was over obsessive and wouldn't leave me alone - EVER. Eventually, my parents kicked me out of their house along with my daughter. The ONLY person I could think of turning to was my best friend. My now husband. Even though I was dating this other guy, I couldn't get my best friend off my mind. I KNEW God had a hand in this, that he put him in my heart. So, I broke up with the one guy, and decided I would move in with my "reunited" boyfriend and his parents until we were able to buy a house (which at the time I was already in the hunts for).
Talk about awkward, moving in with a guy you've known a short time in perspective of your overall lifetime, as well as his parents who you've only met as a stinky sweaty hockey player just coming off the ice. Awesome. We did it though. My daughter and I had no other choice. A short time after that I began having a lot of pain in my "lady parts". My uterus felt like it was going to explode. I went to multiple doctors, and finally through a word I heard at our alpha course I determined myself that I had Endometriosis. The level I had it at was super painful. To the point where I was balled on the floor for half of my day. I didn't think I would make it through.
Now, again, talk about awkward. Just move in with this guy and here I am having a bunch of girl issues. Nonetheless, he stood by my side. He went to the doctors with me. He held my hand through it all. He had FAITH we would get through this thing. So, eventually after going to multiple doctors and getting multiple results, NO answers, and people saying "I'm too young for Endometriosis," we finally found a doctor who was willing to listen. He took me and my pain seriously. He wanted me on the operating table immediately. So, I went in for surgery, had it removed and at my post-op was told that if I ever wanted to have children again, it was kind of now or never. At this point, my "boyfriend" and I had bought a house, lived together, and knew we would be married at some point. This gave us a shove though. We KNEW God brought us together. We KNEW God had a plan for us. So we leaped.
Four short months after my surgery and buying a house, was the day we leaped. August 6th, 2011. An AMAZING day! Ask anyone who was there, it was AWESOME!
We didn't want to try for a baby until we were married, because according to the Bible, that's how it was to be done. We did our best to not even do the "hibbity dibbity" before we got married. We aren't perfect though...so don't judge. Anyhow, as a couple, that was our first LEAP! And boy what a leap it's been. One of these days, I'll get to share our wedding day. The magic that took place, and how from that day forward we knew that what we were doing was right. That God really did bring us together. He really did have a meaning for our lives and a love for us.
We leaped. Into His arms and into His love.
My husband had just suffered a brain hemorrhage near his Cerebellum. Amazingly, he was able to greatly recover by the time I had met him which was just a month or two later. He also has familial polyposis, which required him to have his large intestines removed in high school. I remember being in awe of him and his story. What he had been through, the things he had endured at his young age. He had such strength. Yet, he still wanted more in life. I can remember the late night talking and texting (our schedules were opposite at the time, so the only time we really had to talk was late at night). I would stay up til the wee hours of the morning just to keep him company on his overnights. Even before we met, I had the feeling of a 16 year old girl having her first crush. I had NEVER felt this way about a person. EVER.
We finally decided to meet...in person. We like to joke that our first date was when he fell head over heels for me, because he literally just about fell on his face on our way out the door of our first date. I saved him...like any princess would save her prince! I remember talking about God on our date. Neither one of us really having a relationship, knowledge, or complete faith in him yet, but knowing 100% that He brought us together for something. Whether it was just to play hockey, be friends, whatever, we knew something big was in the works.
A few months later, he told me that the girl he was seeing before me, was pregnant, and that it was his. I remember seeing him so vulnerable, scared and at a loss of words because he didn't want to lose me. At the time though, all I could think was that he accepted my daughter into his life, and I couldn't turn my back on him when he was going to have a child of his own. It was quite obvious the mother of this child and him would NEVER be back together.
Because of his medical history, at the time he wasn't sure if he wanted involvement or wanted a child period, and I get it. He went through a lot of pain and suffering with his medical issues. He didn't want his kid to go through that same ordeal. We ended up breaking up for a short time because of this event. I couldn't be with someone who wasn't willing to take the responsibilities of getting someone pregnant, regardless of their feelings on their medical problems. I dealt with that with my own daughter's father, I would not support it by dating someone who would be termed a "dead beat dad". Being together with a person who would just abandon their child did not seem like the right thing to do though. So we took a break.
We still talked, texted, went to church together and played hockey. Did all the normal things friends would do, but left it at that, friends. Really good friends. My best friend. I dated another guy for a short period between who ended up being the complete wrong person, was over obsessive and wouldn't leave me alone - EVER. Eventually, my parents kicked me out of their house along with my daughter. The ONLY person I could think of turning to was my best friend. My now husband. Even though I was dating this other guy, I couldn't get my best friend off my mind. I KNEW God had a hand in this, that he put him in my heart. So, I broke up with the one guy, and decided I would move in with my "reunited" boyfriend and his parents until we were able to buy a house (which at the time I was already in the hunts for).
Talk about awkward, moving in with a guy you've known a short time in perspective of your overall lifetime, as well as his parents who you've only met as a stinky sweaty hockey player just coming off the ice. Awesome. We did it though. My daughter and I had no other choice. A short time after that I began having a lot of pain in my "lady parts". My uterus felt like it was going to explode. I went to multiple doctors, and finally through a word I heard at our alpha course I determined myself that I had Endometriosis. The level I had it at was super painful. To the point where I was balled on the floor for half of my day. I didn't think I would make it through.
Now, again, talk about awkward. Just move in with this guy and here I am having a bunch of girl issues. Nonetheless, he stood by my side. He went to the doctors with me. He held my hand through it all. He had FAITH we would get through this thing. So, eventually after going to multiple doctors and getting multiple results, NO answers, and people saying "I'm too young for Endometriosis," we finally found a doctor who was willing to listen. He took me and my pain seriously. He wanted me on the operating table immediately. So, I went in for surgery, had it removed and at my post-op was told that if I ever wanted to have children again, it was kind of now or never. At this point, my "boyfriend" and I had bought a house, lived together, and knew we would be married at some point. This gave us a shove though. We KNEW God brought us together. We KNEW God had a plan for us. So we leaped.
Four short months after my surgery and buying a house, was the day we leaped. August 6th, 2011. An AMAZING day! Ask anyone who was there, it was AWESOME!
We didn't want to try for a baby until we were married, because according to the Bible, that's how it was to be done. We did our best to not even do the "hibbity dibbity" before we got married. We aren't perfect though...so don't judge. Anyhow, as a couple, that was our first LEAP! And boy what a leap it's been. One of these days, I'll get to share our wedding day. The magic that took place, and how from that day forward we knew that what we were doing was right. That God really did bring us together. He really did have a meaning for our lives and a love for us.
We leaped. Into His arms and into His love.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
In the beginning...
When I look back to 3 years ago now, it's crazy to think what I have been through, along with my family. 3 years ago I found God. Desperately trying to fix my life, I found him. I guess moving back in with your parents really changes a girl ;) I guess it wasn't some spectacular story. I lived on my own with my daughter. We ended up moving in with a roommate who went a bit crazy on us, and so I had no choice but to move us in with my mom and step-dad.
THIS is when I started going to church. When I needed something to help me. I was ready for anything at this point. A miracle. And I found it.
1st service I went to. WHEW! It was a doozy. 4th of July. Pastor talkin about freedom. Wrote about some of this in my first blog. Needless to say, I walked out a sobbing mess and ready to give mine and my daughters life to Christ.
Now again, in the early days I wasn't the best "Christian" example. It was summertime, I was 22, beer is good. I was still called though. Called to go to church, to worship, to pray, to meet other people. Along side me was a guy I started dating, who I'm lucky enough to now call my husband. When we first met, we were both finding Christ. It's been a journey we've taken very much together, hand in hand. Looking back, there's no one I would rather do it with than him. My husband has built my faith, from the beginning and he continues to every day.
It's amazing how far we have come. Battled. Continue to battle and come out on top. In 3 years, my husband and I have been through more than most relationships go through in 10 years. I'll get into a lot of it at some point...but from the beginning...this guy...
THIS is when I started going to church. When I needed something to help me. I was ready for anything at this point. A miracle. And I found it.
1st service I went to. WHEW! It was a doozy. 4th of July. Pastor talkin about freedom. Wrote about some of this in my first blog. Needless to say, I walked out a sobbing mess and ready to give mine and my daughters life to Christ.
Now again, in the early days I wasn't the best "Christian" example. It was summertime, I was 22, beer is good. I was still called though. Called to go to church, to worship, to pray, to meet other people. Along side me was a guy I started dating, who I'm lucky enough to now call my husband. When we first met, we were both finding Christ. It's been a journey we've taken very much together, hand in hand. Looking back, there's no one I would rather do it with than him. My husband has built my faith, from the beginning and he continues to every day.
It's amazing how far we have come. Battled. Continue to battle and come out on top. In 3 years, my husband and I have been through more than most relationships go through in 10 years. I'll get into a lot of it at some point...but from the beginning...this guy...
...has built my faith, my love and my passion for God. Of course it was the big man behind it all along, but he brought me a gift of awesomenes!
Somehow we just knew from the moment we met, we weren't meant to be together. Our journey started together, and will end together. It's a "LEAP OF FAITH" we took together.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Finding your first ounce of Faith
So, on a normal daily basis, most people put faith in themselves, their car, their job, their boss, their phone, and so on. It's great that we can put the amount of faith into these things that we do. For example,
1. I have faith that I will complete my homework tonight.
2. I have faith that my car will start and drive correctly to get me to work.
3. I have faith that my job will still be there the next day.
4. I have faith that my boss will see things through my eyes as a professional.
5. I have faith that my phone will not die, and inform me of all my meetings and appointments.
So, if we can put so much faith in these EARTHLY things, why is it so difficult to put our faith in something much bigger, stronger and smarter than we are? GOD. I find myself thinking I have control. I have the reigns, when in all reality, I don't. I don't even have one of the reigns. Life cannot be controlled by my hand alone.
I remember the first time I went back to church after who knows how many years. I went with a friend from work who I had asked about finding me a cool place to go. Luckily, the church he led me to was such an amazing church. I remember just walking in, and it was at a high school. So I'm thinking, "this should be veeery interesting." Alas....FREE coffee. Childcare. Friendly people. There was no judgement, no weird eyes, welcoming hands, pastors, ushers, etc. Which is the way church SHOULD be. Before the service started, we did worship (which in all reality was freaking awesome!). Live band, singing, people throwin their hands in the air, this church was where I was meant to be! My kind of style! So then we get into the sermon, and in my head I'm thinking "ok, here goes an hour of nothing" (while still being in a somewhat hung-over state). I should note that my first return to church happened to be on July 4th. To my surprise, the sermon got off to a ripping and roaring start talking about the Freedoms we have in our lives, and the Freedoms we have in our HEARTS. How when we let God in our hearts, we make freedom there. That's when the scars of depression, alcoholism, anger, fear can all start to wash away. When we can begin to let go of things and let God take the reigns. Let go, and Let GOD as one of my co-workers likes to say.
This was the first time that I, as an adult, accepted and welcomed God into my heart. As mentioned earlier, being the 22 year old I was, drinking was something I did well, let's just say often. So showing up to church a few times after that hung over was not unheard of. BUT - I accepted Christ! I made that first step of FAITH to say, yes, I will have you in my life. I will follow you. I will allow you to lead me. That first step has led to many, many more.
So how do you take a first step of Faith? What a crazy and hard question to answer.
Now, I realize all of that is MUCH easier said than done, but a little prayer never hurt either.
Hebrews 11:6
1. I have faith that I will complete my homework tonight.
2. I have faith that my car will start and drive correctly to get me to work.
3. I have faith that my job will still be there the next day.
4. I have faith that my boss will see things through my eyes as a professional.
5. I have faith that my phone will not die, and inform me of all my meetings and appointments.
So, if we can put so much faith in these EARTHLY things, why is it so difficult to put our faith in something much bigger, stronger and smarter than we are? GOD. I find myself thinking I have control. I have the reigns, when in all reality, I don't. I don't even have one of the reigns. Life cannot be controlled by my hand alone.
I remember the first time I went back to church after who knows how many years. I went with a friend from work who I had asked about finding me a cool place to go. Luckily, the church he led me to was such an amazing church. I remember just walking in, and it was at a high school. So I'm thinking, "this should be veeery interesting." Alas....FREE coffee. Childcare. Friendly people. There was no judgement, no weird eyes, welcoming hands, pastors, ushers, etc. Which is the way church SHOULD be. Before the service started, we did worship (which in all reality was freaking awesome!). Live band, singing, people throwin their hands in the air, this church was where I was meant to be! My kind of style! So then we get into the sermon, and in my head I'm thinking "ok, here goes an hour of nothing" (while still being in a somewhat hung-over state). I should note that my first return to church happened to be on July 4th. To my surprise, the sermon got off to a ripping and roaring start talking about the Freedoms we have in our lives, and the Freedoms we have in our HEARTS. How when we let God in our hearts, we make freedom there. That's when the scars of depression, alcoholism, anger, fear can all start to wash away. When we can begin to let go of things and let God take the reigns. Let go, and Let GOD as one of my co-workers likes to say.
This was the first time that I, as an adult, accepted and welcomed God into my heart. As mentioned earlier, being the 22 year old I was, drinking was something I did well, let's just say often. So showing up to church a few times after that hung over was not unheard of. BUT - I accepted Christ! I made that first step of FAITH to say, yes, I will have you in my life. I will follow you. I will allow you to lead me. That first step has led to many, many more.
So how do you take a first step of Faith? What a crazy and hard question to answer.
- Find a good church - one that has small groups, is personal, takes church beyond your typical "Sunday Service"
- Read your bible, find God's promises for you
- Give your life to Christ with others
- Get friends and family involved
- JUMP IN! It's going to be a wild ride!
Now, I realize all of that is MUCH easier said than done, but a little prayer never hurt either.
Hebrews 11:6
"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Faith in Love
Since it's Valentine's day today, I figured I could do a post on LOVE!
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13
When do you stop to think of the love you have in your life? Of the people you love, and those that love you back. Of the kind of love, the amount, and the pain it can cause? I don't know about you, but I think about love quite a bit. It's a huge part of my every day life. From loving my husband, to my kids, to my family, to my friends, to my co-workers. The funny thing is, they're all so different. My husband receives a different type of love than my kids, and my kids different than my friends. It is all genuine, and very real. VERY real.
God loves us all as his children. We are his own, his blood, his creation. Imagine how much you love your child, or your spouse, or best friend. Now multiply that times 100. Then stretch it to the moon and back, around the earth, to the sun, and that still does not measure God's love for us.
For I am convinced that neither life nor death, neither angels nor demons, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:35-39)
So, if you're having a great Valentine's day, have big plans, don't forget to thank God for giving you the love you have in your heart. If you're not having a great Valentine's, don't have plans, and are looking for love, always remember, God's love is always there!
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13
When do you stop to think of the love you have in your life? Of the people you love, and those that love you back. Of the kind of love, the amount, and the pain it can cause? I don't know about you, but I think about love quite a bit. It's a huge part of my every day life. From loving my husband, to my kids, to my family, to my friends, to my co-workers. The funny thing is, they're all so different. My husband receives a different type of love than my kids, and my kids different than my friends. It is all genuine, and very real. VERY real.
God loves us all as his children. We are his own, his blood, his creation. Imagine how much you love your child, or your spouse, or best friend. Now multiply that times 100. Then stretch it to the moon and back, around the earth, to the sun, and that still does not measure God's love for us.
For I am convinced that neither life nor death, neither angels nor demons, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:35-39)
So, if you're having a great Valentine's day, have big plans, don't forget to thank God for giving you the love you have in your heart. If you're not having a great Valentine's, don't have plans, and are looking for love, always remember, God's love is always there!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Starting on a long journey of Faith
Where does faith come from? How does it manifest in you? What kind of faith is there? Is it safe? Is it real? How does it work? How do I become a faithful person?
These questions all come to mind when I think of the journey I've undertaken over the last several years. Before I get into all of that, let me introduce the story of how I got to the start of my Faith journey.
Now, before I start all of that, let me be clear. By "FAITH" I am meaning Faith in God. In our Lord. Jesus Christ. Having faith in him, through him, and by him.
I never thought growing up in high school that the person I am today would be who I really was. I would have laughed. I would have probably been on the floor hysterically laughing and crying had I seen back then who I am now. I would not have believed it.
Growing up, things were never easy. My mom was a single mom for the most part. My real parents got divorced when I was 2 or 3. Mom remarried, got divorced again because she married some crazy man who liked to abuse children. Now, fast forward a few years of living with just her and my sister, in a small town in Colorado. We were pretty happy. Content. Had fun together. One vacation year down to Mexico, my mom fell in "Looooove." The guy she fell in love with lived in Minnesota. So, after a few back and forth weeks between the two of them, with no hesitation what-so-ever, we packed up and moved to MN. Then back to CO. Then back to MN. Ended up it wasn't love, and so we just stayed here. I've lived here most of my life now, over half anyway. In the process of moving back and forth, my real dad was diagnosed with Colon cancer. At the time I was 7 years old and was not told a thing. It was hidden from my sister and I for a very long time. It wasn't until we learned he was having surgeries and doing chemo therapy that we had to figure out for ourselves at ages 10 and 11 what was going on with our Dad. Now, mind you my dad was a church-going man. He had his moments in life where he may not have been the greatest. But, in his last days all I can remember about him was seeing him in the church choir, singing. Or standing up at the front and giving sermon. Or helping cook food for the church. He was a church guy. Then one day my sister and I were thrown on a plane and sent to CO. I didn't want to go. I hated the fact we were going, because I knew what this meant. This was the last time we would see him. The last time we'd hear him. Kiss him. I was a wreck.
Being that my dad was the "churchy" kind of guy (from what I remember anyway), after he passed away I was sooooo angry with God. So mad. How? WHY!?!? I could never embrace the love that God still had for me. I couldn't understand why he would do such a thing to me. It was heartbreaking. That's when my love for God disappeared. It washed away.
Fast forward again. I'm 16. In high school. "A" Student. Hockey player. Cheerleader. Fun haver. And apparently trouble maker. I certainly didn't mean to...but ended up getting myself pregnant. So again, I ask God WHY?!?!?! HOW?!?!?! Mad at him that he didn't change my circumstances (because that was of course God's fault that I got pregnant at 16). Mad that I had to be responsible. Mad I would be missing out on a free ride to college. Regardless, I pressed on. I finished high school, went to college and got a 2 year degree, got an internship and have now been working at the same place for almost 5 years.
It got to a point in my life where nothing was going right. I was single. I was a Mom. I had a pretty poorly paying job and no where to go for another. It was the beginning of the recession so any job was great at that point. Things just felt empty though. I had been seeing a therapist since I was 11 when my dad passed away. Since things were on a down slope, I decided to start talking to her again. She pointed me to finding a church. Which I thought was just insanity. I know she prayed about it. Many times. I know my mom did too. After a while of her really nagging me about it, I did it. I found a church. I found a home. That was just the beginning to my story. The past 3 years have been emotional, spectacular, crazy, lovely, heart breaking, heart making and filled with Love from God. At this point, I'm not sure exactly what my plan is to talk about. I guess to really just reveal my journey and hope that somewhere along the way, it can help someone on theirs.
As 2 Corinthians 5:7 plainly spells out, We live by FAITH, not by site. That is what this is about. Living by faith. How I've done it, continue to, and will do for many years to come.
These questions all come to mind when I think of the journey I've undertaken over the last several years. Before I get into all of that, let me introduce the story of how I got to the start of my Faith journey.
Now, before I start all of that, let me be clear. By "FAITH" I am meaning Faith in God. In our Lord. Jesus Christ. Having faith in him, through him, and by him.
I never thought growing up in high school that the person I am today would be who I really was. I would have laughed. I would have probably been on the floor hysterically laughing and crying had I seen back then who I am now. I would not have believed it.
Growing up, things were never easy. My mom was a single mom for the most part. My real parents got divorced when I was 2 or 3. Mom remarried, got divorced again because she married some crazy man who liked to abuse children. Now, fast forward a few years of living with just her and my sister, in a small town in Colorado. We were pretty happy. Content. Had fun together. One vacation year down to Mexico, my mom fell in "Looooove." The guy she fell in love with lived in Minnesota. So, after a few back and forth weeks between the two of them, with no hesitation what-so-ever, we packed up and moved to MN. Then back to CO. Then back to MN. Ended up it wasn't love, and so we just stayed here. I've lived here most of my life now, over half anyway. In the process of moving back and forth, my real dad was diagnosed with Colon cancer. At the time I was 7 years old and was not told a thing. It was hidden from my sister and I for a very long time. It wasn't until we learned he was having surgeries and doing chemo therapy that we had to figure out for ourselves at ages 10 and 11 what was going on with our Dad. Now, mind you my dad was a church-going man. He had his moments in life where he may not have been the greatest. But, in his last days all I can remember about him was seeing him in the church choir, singing. Or standing up at the front and giving sermon. Or helping cook food for the church. He was a church guy. Then one day my sister and I were thrown on a plane and sent to CO. I didn't want to go. I hated the fact we were going, because I knew what this meant. This was the last time we would see him. The last time we'd hear him. Kiss him. I was a wreck.
Being that my dad was the "churchy" kind of guy (from what I remember anyway), after he passed away I was sooooo angry with God. So mad. How? WHY!?!? I could never embrace the love that God still had for me. I couldn't understand why he would do such a thing to me. It was heartbreaking. That's when my love for God disappeared. It washed away.
Fast forward again. I'm 16. In high school. "A" Student. Hockey player. Cheerleader. Fun haver. And apparently trouble maker. I certainly didn't mean to...but ended up getting myself pregnant. So again, I ask God WHY?!?!?! HOW?!?!?! Mad at him that he didn't change my circumstances (because that was of course God's fault that I got pregnant at 16). Mad that I had to be responsible. Mad I would be missing out on a free ride to college. Regardless, I pressed on. I finished high school, went to college and got a 2 year degree, got an internship and have now been working at the same place for almost 5 years.
It got to a point in my life where nothing was going right. I was single. I was a Mom. I had a pretty poorly paying job and no where to go for another. It was the beginning of the recession so any job was great at that point. Things just felt empty though. I had been seeing a therapist since I was 11 when my dad passed away. Since things were on a down slope, I decided to start talking to her again. She pointed me to finding a church. Which I thought was just insanity. I know she prayed about it. Many times. I know my mom did too. After a while of her really nagging me about it, I did it. I found a church. I found a home. That was just the beginning to my story. The past 3 years have been emotional, spectacular, crazy, lovely, heart breaking, heart making and filled with Love from God. At this point, I'm not sure exactly what my plan is to talk about. I guess to really just reveal my journey and hope that somewhere along the way, it can help someone on theirs.
As 2 Corinthians 5:7 plainly spells out, We live by FAITH, not by site. That is what this is about. Living by faith. How I've done it, continue to, and will do for many years to come.
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