These questions all come to mind when I think of the journey I've undertaken over the last several years. Before I get into all of that, let me introduce the story of how I got to the start of my Faith journey.
Now, before I start all of that, let me be clear. By "FAITH" I am meaning Faith in God. In our Lord. Jesus Christ. Having faith in him, through him, and by him.
I never thought growing up in high school that the person I am today would be who I really was. I would have laughed. I would have probably been on the floor hysterically laughing and crying had I seen back then who I am now. I would not have believed it.
Growing up, things were never easy. My mom was a single mom for the most part. My real parents got divorced when I was 2 or 3. Mom remarried, got divorced again because she married some crazy man who liked to abuse children. Now, fast forward a few years of living with just her and my sister, in a small town in Colorado. We were pretty happy. Content. Had fun together. One vacation year down to Mexico, my mom fell in "Looooove." The guy she fell in love with lived in Minnesota. So, after a few back and forth weeks between the two of them, with no hesitation what-so-ever, we packed up and moved to MN. Then back to CO. Then back to MN. Ended up it wasn't love, and so we just stayed here. I've lived here most of my life now, over half anyway. In the process of moving back and forth, my real dad was diagnosed with Colon cancer. At the time I was 7 years old and was not told a thing. It was hidden from my sister and I for a very long time. It wasn't until we learned he was having surgeries and doing chemo therapy that we had to figure out for ourselves at ages 10 and 11 what was going on with our Dad. Now, mind you my dad was a church-going man. He had his moments in life where he may not have been the greatest. But, in his last days all I can remember about him was seeing him in the church choir, singing. Or standing up at the front and giving sermon. Or helping cook food for the church. He was a church guy. Then one day my sister and I were thrown on a plane and sent to CO. I didn't want to go. I hated the fact we were going, because I knew what this meant. This was the last time we would see him. The last time we'd hear him. Kiss him. I was a wreck.
Being that my dad was the "churchy" kind of guy (from what I remember anyway), after he passed away I was sooooo angry with God. So mad. How? WHY!?!? I could never embrace the love that God still had for me. I couldn't understand why he would do such a thing to me. It was heartbreaking. That's when my love for God disappeared. It washed away.
Fast forward again. I'm 16. In high school. "A" Student. Hockey player. Cheerleader. Fun haver. And apparently trouble maker. I certainly didn't mean to...but ended up getting myself pregnant. So again, I ask God WHY?!?!?! HOW?!?!?! Mad at him that he didn't change my circumstances (because that was of course God's fault that I got pregnant at 16). Mad that I had to be responsible. Mad I would be missing out on a free ride to college. Regardless, I pressed on. I finished high school, went to college and got a 2 year degree, got an internship and have now been working at the same place for almost 5 years.
It got to a point in my life where nothing was going right. I was single. I was a Mom. I had a pretty poorly paying job and no where to go for another. It was the beginning of the recession so any job was great at that point. Things just felt empty though. I had been seeing a therapist since I was 11 when my dad passed away. Since things were on a down slope, I decided to start talking to her again. She pointed me to finding a church. Which I thought was just insanity. I know she prayed about it. Many times. I know my mom did too. After a while of her really nagging me about it, I did it. I found a church. I found a home. That was just the beginning to my story. The past 3 years have been emotional, spectacular, crazy, lovely, heart breaking, heart making and filled with Love from God. At this point, I'm not sure exactly what my plan is to talk about. I guess to really just reveal my journey and hope that somewhere along the way, it can help someone on theirs.
As 2 Corinthians 5:7 plainly spells out, We live by FAITH, not by site. That is what this is about. Living by faith. How I've done it, continue to, and will do for many years to come.
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