Capture Your Grief: Day 20

Day 20: Breathe

I almost put "day 16" in again on this photo....almost...

 

Today, on my lunch break, I took a few moments to just look at the beautiful fall colors and immerse myself in the moment. This has been an extraordinarily beautiful fall in MN. I decided to take a photo...to seize this moment of just breathing it all in.

I feel at times all I do is hold my breath. Breathing is such a natural thing, yet I catch myself holding my breath all the time. Or clenching my teeth. Or biting my finger nails. It's so frustrating when you seem to not even be in control of it all.

So...on this day...where we heal by breathing...I took my photo. My one photo. And there's my girl...shining down, (do you see the two glares in the right hand corner) showing me she is always there. Mind you...I had my back to the sun...there was no glare in the camera screen. And BOOM. My baby Ari is there. While I took some time to breathe, she breathed more life into me. I love you sweet girl. Thank you for visiting me today <3

9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace.

#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 19

Day 19: give

I really want to dedicate today's post about what others have given to us. 

After our decision was made about cremation, having a "place" for Ari was a concern for me. I wanted a special place to go and see her. Luckily, a prayer was answered and a group of wonderful mom friends as well as my work pulled together and purchased us two bricks for our sweet girl. 



I know I have brought this up numerous times, but it really is such a beautiful place for her. She is surrounded by other angels, and every May and December a group of parents and families who have lost their children too soon, gather and honor their children. 



To hear MY daughter's name in a crowd, knowing they are talking about HER, means the world. To me, it means she's never forgotten. It means her name, her life, her meaning, it really MEANT something. It wasn't all for nothing. 

It's because of this, I feel the urge to help others when they are in greater need than I am. Giving is the way God teaches to love one another. Even in our deepest sorrow. It is by giving we can open our hearts. Giving love. Hope. Thanks. Giving, is what we do best when it is in the name of the Lord. 

So, thank you, to those who opened their hearts to give this to our family. This beautiful gift. A place of love, healing, and visiting our precious girl. 




9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace.
#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 18

Day 18: gratitude

I told you the #16 has screwed me up...



It is definitely day 18...

I'm so very thankful and grateful for these three little ladies. I can't say enough about how much I love them all. I'm also very thankful for the weekends I get to just snuggle and love on them. They are all beautiful, awesome, crazy and loveable in their own special ways. These beautiful shining faces give me hope each day for love. No matter how wrong things can go in life, as long as my daughters are in my heart, I know I can overcome anything. Love you girls. All four of you! <3

9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace.
#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 17

Day 17: explore

Well, apparently the weekends really screw me up. I've been thinking it's day 16 for 4 days now. As you'll see in some of my photos...



Anywho...

I've been trying to think of what to post about this all day...and then it finally hit me. 

This beautiful mess of grief is like climbing through the Rockies when I was little. Having the mountains as your backyard gave plenty of opportunity for exploring. I could literally walk out my back door to a mountain. We constantly had elk in our yard. There was never such a thing as not seeing wild life on the way to school. EVER. 

You had to be careful though. The terrain is unforgiving. There are wild animals everywhere. The weather was so unpredictable some days, one second you'd be wearing your winter gear, the next you are in a t-shirt. I loved this place. I still do. I wish I could visit it more often. My father is buried out there and it would mean so much to just be able to visit him and heal from that loss that happened over 15 years ago. 

Colorado reminds me so much if the journey we have been through with the loss of our sweet girl. It's rocky, sometimes scary, other times you are just trekking through. As a whole though, when you get to the top of the mountain and look at all that you've had to go through to get where you are, the quick realization sets in if how beautiful and perfectly made it all is.

9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace.

#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 16

Day 16: retreat
My retreat most days is my car. I have a long drive to and from work. When it is winter, my commute can triple or quadruple depending on the roads. I spend a lot of time in there and it gives me a lot of time to pray, worship and think. It also gives me plenty of time to scream, yell and cry. Because we all know that grief isn't constantly rainbows and butterflies.

3 kids will do that to ya though...there's no such thing as a "quiet" place in the house. So my car has become my solace place.

If I had a REAL retreat...a REAL place I would want to go and get away...it would be here. Along the beautiful beaches of Fiji. A place I have always dreamed of going to escape...even if just for an hour. The sound of the ocean, the feeling of being (literally) in the middle of no where, the sand between my toes. It would almost...almost be heaven. 

9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace.
‪#‎CaptureYourGrief‬ ‪#‎WhatHealsYourHeart‬ ‪#‎AriellaGrace‬

Capture Your Grief: Day 15

Day 15: community
 

To all those who have loved and lost too soon, I say a prayer for you. May all our angels kiss us in our dreams as we sleep tonight.

 

I really can't add much more than what I posted on my Facebook. I miss my baby. That will never go away. I pray that all those who have lost a child have someone's shoulder to cry on when the hard feelings hit them. Much love to you all. 

I love you sweet girl.
9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace

#MommysLittleAngel #PregnancyAndInfantLoss #Awareness #CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 14

Day 14: dark/light.

The hard thing about grief is no one tells you how it will affect you. Or your spouse. Or your children. Or your parents. Our your friends. We all suffer in different ways. Grief brings me down to the deepest pits of darkness some days. There aren't words for the darkness I have for not being able to hold my baby. There are so many life altering things that happen when you lose a child. What do you say when someone asks how many children you have when you had a fully living breathing flesh of child for 8 weeks? Or when someone is having a bad day and you have the unrelenting feeling of screaming at them to get over it because what they are dealing with is nothing in comparison to losing a child? The thought of her never leaves.

But there is light. SOOOO much light. God's will is good. His love is real. I look to God more now than ever to pull me out of my darkness. To lead me to the light. I never thought after losing a child, so much love could come out of it. No one ever says that loss creates love. You hear "you don't know what you have until you've lost it" but never "you don't know how much love you can give until you've lost a piece of your heart." I've learned its not about comparing my situation to yours. It's not about me having a worse or harder life. It's about showing how to come out if the dark times, the hard times, and how to be a light for others. Yes, losing Ari sucks. It's not fair. God didn't take her away though, He is giving us an opportunity to grow closer to him through our loss.

The statistics of parents who get divorced after child loss is alarmingly high...but Steve and I made a commitment not only to each other, but to God as well that we would never leave each other. Through dark or light. Better or worse. 





No matter the darkness, I know where to find the light.

9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace.
#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace