Capture Your Grief: Day 9

Day 9: In Memory

When Ari passed away, we had to make the hardest decision of our lives...do we bury our baby, or have her cremated? Well, I didn't have the heart to bury my baby. I just couldn't. I carry a cross around my neck every day with her ashes in it. It sits perfectly at my heart...so no matter what, she us always near my heart. I also hope that one day, we as a family can all go out to California and spend some time there. Then, take a boat out onto the ocean and spread some of her ashes just like we did with my Great Grandparents, will most likely do with my grandmother and my mother, as well as myself.

I also got a tattoo to commemorate her. I love it. I have quite a few tattoos, but this one is by far my favorite and most meaningful. It's perfectly beautiful, just like Ari. I remember sending my tattoo artist the most horrific looking thing (in comparison to what I got) that I wanted. When I went in to get it done, she showed me the drawing and I was just shocked at how perfect it was. If you are in MN, and are looking for a great tattoo shop, check out Evolution Tattoo.

We also have a whole shelf in our house that holds pictures, signs, angels, her urn, all sorts of things. It's something our family can look at every day and be reminded of her. While pictures will never do her beauty justice, it's all we have and I'm so glad I was such a camera freak when we were home together. 

Ariella Grace. 9.2.12 - 10.29.12 ‪#‎CaptureYourGrief‬ ‪#‎WhatHealsYourHeart‬ ‪#‎AriellaGrace‬

Capture Your Grief: Day 8

Day 8: resource



When it comes to support, I feel honored and blessed not only to know about Missing Grace Foundation, but to know the founder and to have heard her story first hand. We met at church. Our pastor introduced us after I lost my daughter. She knew that she would be a good resource for me to have. Her story and strength is one to none. Absolutely incredible. Candy, you are a wonderful source of knowledge and love! So blessed to know you and your story!

Here is a link to the Missing Grace Foundation: http://www.missinggrace.org/
And their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/MGFCenterforGRACE

Friends of the Angel is a group that is again, with the Angel of Hope. It's a group that pulls together all the events for the Angel. There are some really great stories of love and strength that I have heard from them as well. 

Here is a link to the Friends of the Angel website: http://www.friendsoftheangel.com/
And their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/FriendsoftheAngel.MapleGrove.MN

There is also the silent grief support group in Facebook. There are always posts about loss and trying to "deal" with it that help and make sense of the mess that happens when going through child loss. 

Here is a link to their Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/SilentGriefSupport

Ariella Grace. 9.2.12 - 10.29.12 ‪#‎CaptureYourGrief‬ ‪#‎WhatHealsYourHeart‬ ‪#‎AriellaGrace‬

Capture Your Grief: Day 7

Day 7: Sacred Place

My sacred place is my garden. After wanting to have a garden of our own for some time, we started it this year and it has been a big part of my healing. Almost every day this summer I was out in the garden singing and talking to all my plants. I may have looked a bit crazy sometimes, but it allowed me to be a little girl again. 

The coolest part was all the dragon flies. I had read a poem after a friend of a friend lost her sweet daughter. Ever since I read that poem, which was about dragon flies, I slowly started seeing more and more come into the garden. I'm usually pretty terrified of any bug, but these dragon flies I felt I had a connection to. Even the really big and kind of scary looking ones. So I began holding my hand out for them to land on and talking to them too. There would be days where I'd go out and 20-30 of them would just be hanging out in the garden. No where else in the yard, just the garden. I truly felt my sweet Ari there with me, as well as all her friends that she brought around just to make me smile. 



My other sacred place is the Angel of Hope. I've mentioned before that we have two bricks that were gifted to us. These mean the world. We did not get a burial spot for Ariella, so having a place to go where her name is there along with so many other angels. It's beautiful and perfect. It's a safe place for us to "visit" our Angel as a family. 

Every year, they do a candle light memorial on December 6th. No matter the weather...and in Minnesota, you bet your bottom we're all there bundled up as warm as can be. They also do a "Walk to Remember" which brings all of us who have lost a child together to remember the sweet faces and love we have for them. 

We go there for the walk, the candle light memorial, and for her birthday. And any other time of the year we feel is necessary. We have even brought our little Rainbow baby to see her :)

 

Below is the story of the dragonfly I mentioned above.

"In the bottom of an old pond lived some grubs who could not understand why none of their group ever came back after crawling up the lily stems to the top of the water.  They promised each other that the next one who was called to make the upward climb would return and tell what had happened to him.  Soon one of them felt an urgent impulse to seek the surface; he rested himself on the top of a lily pad and went through a glorious transformation which made him a dragonfly with beautiful wings.  In vain he tried to keep his promise.  Flying back and forth over the pond, he peered down at his friends below.  Then he realized that even if they could see him they would not recognize such a radiant creature as one of their number. 
The fact that we cannot see our friends or communicate with them after the transformation which we call death is no proof that they cease to exist."

by Walter Dudley Cavert
Remember Now
© 1944, 1971

 Ariella Grace. 9.2.12 - 10.29.12.
#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 6

Day 6: books.

I feel like I have a whole arsenal of books that deal with grief, faith, hope, etc. All of them have been credited somewhere as being great for someone. I have read a little bit of each one of these and hearing some other stories can be healing....but nothing is ever as real or heart wrenching as my own story, to me. 

However, one I do absolutely love, is Heaven Is For Real. The kid or adult version. They're both eye opening. My daughter, the #RedHead especially loves the children's version.

As I've grown older, I have enjoyed reading a bit more, and I do really hope to one day have these all read, plus more, in their entirety.

Ariella Grace. 9.2.12 - 10.29.12.
#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 5

Day 5: journal

This one has been a hard one for me. Don't get me wrong, I love to write. I love to tell people my story. But since you passed, it's hard to even know what to write. What I do know is, I find comfort in typing out a blog, even though not many people read it. I don't care. Getting my thoughts about faith, pain, life, and anything else helps. It gives me peace. My struggle and faith may possibly, someday lead to someone else's path in finding Christ.

Beyond just writing about Ari though, I find healing in writing my prayers. I can't say I have been the best at this lately, but this day shows me I should be more intentional about it. Seeing the prayers God answers is incredible!
 
I also find healing in doodles. They're not always the prettiest, or the lines may not always be colored in perfectly, but drawing gives me a sense of freedom, deliverance and expressing myself. Journaling my heart isn't always easy, but it sure is healing. 

Ariella Grace. 9.2.12 - 10.29-12.
#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 4

Day 4: Now 

Since you gained your wings, nothing has been the same. The colors in a rainbow, the sounds of the birds, the smell of flowers, how the stars look at night. NOTHING. Some things are better, some things are worse.

For instance, the stars. I used to look at the stars and not think about who, or what was up there. Now I look up, hoping for a little extra glimmer of a star where you are shining down from. 
Food. Oh how I LOVE food. It's just not the same without you here though. Eating is actually hard for me. I remember you and I, we used to snuggle and cuddle and then I would have to go make dinner, or wanted to bake something. It never failed, as soon as I was half-way through chopping up my first ingredient, you would start WAILING and crying. Couldn't let something else take your mommy time. 

Now when I cook, I miss that. I miss you needing me. 


We have since had our Rainbow Baby, miss Izzy bear. 

She is such a joy. She is truly our ray of sunshine. 
When I was pregnant with her, I couldn't picture how I could love her after losing you...but the truth is, losing you has made me love all of our kids so much more. I can't even leave my house without giving each and every person hugs and kisses, and if I don't I feel horrible. Even if I am mad, the last thing I would ever want is for the last thing my kids saw of me, or I saw of them, to be negative. Life is a gift, and you never know how quickly it can be taken away. Even through all of this, I never knew I could love so much, even with such a great big hole in my heart. I can't say that hole has been "filled," because it will always be missing. But having another baby by no means has been a method of replacing you...rather healing that hole. Love is a funny thing. It can cut you so deep, yet lift you up so much. 

I can't say that I don't struggle. I miss you. I cry. I get mad. I ask why us, why me? I get downright depressed. There are days that go by that I so wish I could be with you and happy rather than here on earth in pain and suffering. I know I will have my time though. 

I hold strong to our faith too, and I know one day we will meet again and all those questions will be answered and I will finally be able to snuggle you again.

I included a picture of our family today. Our whole family. We are at the angel of hope where our sweet girl has two bricks in her honor. These were both gifted to our family and we cherish them so much. This is our visiting place. Where we can say hello, be with her and in the presence of so many other angel babies. 

This loss has rocked our family. Through it all though, we have Christ. Our faith is the glue that holds us together and keeps us all strong.



Now is hard. Every day is a struggle. It's still not living "day to day" but rather "hour by hour." I miss you my sweet. One day....we will meet again. 

Ariella Grace. 9.2.12 - 10.29-12.

#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 3

Capture Your Grief: Day 3: Before

Today is about sharing who I was before we lost our daughter. Before the most unimaginable thing happened.

Before you passed away, I was happy. I was hopelessly in love (and still am). I didn't have a clue though the amount of love a person can really hold for another. I never ever EVER thought that something like this could happen to me, or our family. 

Somewhere deep inside though, I knew we wouldn't have you for long.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant (which happened to be Christmas eve) my world was a living fairy tale. I had my prince charming, and now we were going to have a baby that would help complete our blended family. We were all elated! I told the family that I was pregnant on Christmas morning of 2011. Dad was kind of confused at first, but he eventually realized the three pregnancy tests in front of him were all positive and that mama was pregnant! I was so excited!

   


I took pictures every single week of my growing belly. I made sure to capture every moment of my pregnancy and life while I was pregnant with you. We had a "gender reveal" party to tell everyone what we were having...and it was...

  

A GIIIRL!!!! I LOOOOVED being pregnant with you. It was the most incredible thing.

 







We had a baby shower where we were gifted with so many blessings and beautiful things for you...

I mean...it was a LOOT!

Then you arrived and you were perfection. I swear there were fairies all around that just sprinkled love and glitter all around. Everything just seemed so unbelievably perfect. 

   

When you were born, you came out so dang fast that you never really had a chance to let go of all of the fluids in your body, so the doctors had to suck them out for you. This did NOT make you happy. In all your fussing and screaming, your big sister was patiently waiting to hold you, so we gave you to her and all of a sudden, there was silence. You put the biggest smile on your biggest sister!!! And she still remembers it to this day. 

 

From there, you and I spent the next 8 weeks together. We bonded. We snuggled. We did photo shoots. I never put a camera down. It was always up and always ready to snap a photo. You also got to meet a lot of really awesome people...

   
 


This is definitely not everyone...but you met a LOT of friends! 

As I laid you down to sleep on October 28th, 2012, I knew something was wrong. You weren't being you. I just had a feeling that things would not be the same when I woke up. 
And they weren't. 

Before.

While you were only with us for 8 weeks...they were the greatest 8 weeks of my life.
Ariella Grace. 9.2.12 - 10.29.12
#‎CaptureYourGrief‬ ‪#‎WhatHealsYourHeart‬ ‪#‎AriellaGrace‬