Faith Through Friends

If you were to ask me today to sit down and list all of the friends I've had throughout my life, I couldn't do it. There's no way I could remember all of the people I have come in contact with and had the opportunity to call them my "friend". That's not to say I'm the most popular person ever, I just honestly couldn't list all of the people that I have come in contact with over my lifetime. The older I get, the harder it is to try and remember all of those people. 

Luckily, things like Facebook and Twitter allow us to catch up to those old friends. See what they are up to. Check up on their status, if they're single, have kids, got their dream job after high school or not, etc. I'll come back to that later. 

We all have our "set" of friends that we grow up with and share life with. I have my set of very close and personal friends. We share everything. Physically and emotionally. They are my right hand companions, who I call on when I need a baby sitter, when I need a shoulder to cry on, when I need a trip to Target. As much as they are my right hand companion, I am theirs as well. 

After my husband and I's 3 year journey thus far into our faith, I can't help but wonder how MY faith affects them. One particular friend and I chat a lot about faith, God, questions that many people have about Christianity. The how's, why's, who's. I certainly don't have all the answers, but I can clearly see her curiosity build. I see a spark starting. I can see her questions bubbling, ones she doesn't want to ask, ones she does and I don't have an answer. I can see how much she thinks "man, being a Christian is confusing."

As I said before, social media sites like facebook and twitter allow us to see a little into the lives of the people we left behind in high school. It lets us have even just one tiny bit of affect on their lives. 

Growing up, I was FAR from the "Christian" type. I wasn't a terrible kid or anything. In fact, I was a rather good kid. I excelled in my studies, I volunteered, I was involved in sports, I spent time with my family and I stayed away from drugs and alcohol. I just didn't have a faith background. As much as my mom tried, I just wasn't interested in learning about a "GOD" who had taken my dad away from me. I struggled with that for a long time. 

Until 10th grade I had shown that I was a pretty "good" kid. Then came the drugs, the alcohol, the sex, which eventually led to being pregnant at the age of 16. From here, most of my friends from high school pull this image of me. This is where they judge from. This young girl who WAS smart, who WAS talented, went and did something that will change her life for good. It felt like I was the start of this "BOOM" in girls getting pregnant at 16. 

Through pregnancy, birth and raising my child I have had the same set of friends who are in my personal life on a daily and weekly basis. The same ones I see being affected by my faith today. Over the course of social media becoming a more intertwined part of our lives, I caught up with other friends and classmates through middle and high school. They've seen our journey of faith over the last few years simply because of what is posted and what groups we're involved with. They see the struggles, but they also see the triumphs. 

My close friends see the changes we go through on a daily basis and hear the stories of how we get through the things we are challenged with. But what about those friends on Facebook? How do they view our situation? Does it affect them? Does our following Christ and making that apparent on our Facebook page affect people we haven't talked to since high school? I'm not quite sure. But as I look at my close friend and see the questions she asks and how she wants to be able to have that faith, I HAVE to believe that there is something that sparks a question in someone's mind out there. 

So why is all of this such a big deal? Well, for one I know that having my non-Christian friends ask me questions personally about my faith I am helping them build a relationship with Christ. But if that spark can happen in my close friend, what's to say it can't happen to someone online? That one out of the 400+ "friends" that can see my Facebook posts can be affected? That one of those people can't be sparked to say "what church do you go to?" or "how do you have faith?". 

All in all, it is important to share our stories. Whether they are online or in person. Having faith that our friends can not only help push us closer to Christ, but that we help lead them as well. As I mentioned previously, my friend and I have had many conversations about God. I'm proud to say that she came to church with us over the weekend. I'm even more proud to say that she enjoyed it! But what makes me the most excited, is I know that spark in her is being slowly kindled into a flame and it will soon be shining for her close friends to see.

God is so good...share him. Have faith that your story will lead others closer to him.

Our Biggest Test Yet...

This is a post I never thought I would have to write, nor did I ever want to write. As much as I don't want to write it and it pains me to do so, it is a true testament of faith and love and family that needs to be shared. It is the reason I began writing. It is one of the large pavements that was placed on our Faithway.

September 2nd, 2012. 
Last year I gave birth to a beautiful, angelic, amazing and very special little girl that we named Ariella Grace. She was perfection.

Our oldest daughter holding her new baby sister

Right after she was born.

She was absolute perfection. Every little piece of her was perfect. She was healthy as can be and the doctors were just in shock at how well we were both doing after she was born. She took to feeding and pooping like a champ, she gained the nick-name of "tery" because of her little itty bitty pterodactyl scream she had before we even left the hospital. In the hospital, every time we walked by the nursery and she was in there, someone was holding her. Thinking something was wrong we would check on her and the nurse would tell us "nothing's wrong, she's just so stinkin' cute that I wanted to hold her". As a parent, my heart filled with light and love and joy for my new shiny little princess that EVERYONE seemed to just adore.  

We brought her home and showered her with love. She was the piece of a puzzle that was missing. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship, as do I, so she was the child that brought all of us together as a family. There was a special bond with her that is indescribable. For 8 weeks my little lady and I played together, we slept together, we cooked together, made funny faces and giggled together. She spent most of her life in my arms. 

October 29th, 2012. 
Our world came to a shattering halt. I woke up and our perfect princess was gone. There were no sweet little breaths coming from her, no movement and no color in her skin. I knew instantly we had become grieving parents to a child who had died of SIDS. We were about to undergo the one thing you never think will happen to you as a parent, that you will lose your child. Ironically, that morning was the same morning I was supposed to return to work from my maternity leave. It was the same morning my husband's grandmother passed away (who we had all been patiently waiting for her home going because of the cancer that had riddled her body for years). It was the same morning I had prayed about in church the day before, to have a "smooth transition" from new mom, back to working mom. 

 That morning our house was turned upside down with police, friends, family, neighbors; question after question about drinking, drugs, violence, health problems; people coming in and out, a never ending supply of food (which we were all too shocked to eat) and a pool of tears and sadness. That morning was hell, to say the very least. I wanted to wake up from my dream I was in. I wanted to know that she was ok. I wanted to hold her, give her one last kiss goodbye. Unfortunately, I didn't wake up from a dream. However, I did know she was ok. Almost instantly after realizing "yes, she's really REALLY gone," I got an image in my head of God holding my baby in his hands. She was happy and surrounded by light. I knew without a doubt that she was in fact, "OK" and I did get to give her my last kisses goodbye, or see you later as I like to say. 

 That day plays over in my head. It's a constant reminder of how close I should hold my family, and how quickly they can be lost. I remember one of the first things that the police officers told us as they sat us down to go over everything that would happen from that point. The officer sat us down and said to me "infant and child deaths are the number one reason for divorce in parents." I looked at him, and had my first laugh of the day. I knew there was no way this would tear our marriage down. It would build us, make us stronger, pull us together more and make us lean on God for strength even more than we already did. 

 As the days went by, the funeral service came and went, people went back about their lives and seemed as though nothing ever happened. People forgot. They were scared to talk about her. Scared to bring her up. Scared that if they did they would make us remember that she was gone. Guess what? I never forgot that she was gone. I will NEVER forget that she is gone, but yet she is always with me.

Over the course of a year our family has been tested in our faith. Anyone who is close to us can certainly attest to that. Our marriage has been tested. Our patience with our children. Our friendships. Our families. Everything that surrounds us has been attacked. The one thing that hasn't changed at all, is our love and ability to call on God when we need him the most. If anything, our bond has been made stronger to Him. The comments I get from friends and people that hear our story about our "strength" as a family, and how well we are handling the loss, and how amazing we are as examples to others on how to walk this crappy journey have honestly made me blush. We're not trying to be better than anyone or make it seem like it's an easy thing to do, because it's not. It's still a battle. It has made me realize that even though we are going through one of the hardest things a parent or person can go through, we still stand strong in the eyes of others. The question is asked "How do you do it?" My answer...

FAITH.

Faith that God knows best. Faith that he will heal our souls. Faith that he will heal our family and bring us blessings. Faith that if we stand strong in his eyes and continue to praise His name, we will continue to stand strong and fight for whatever it is we have to fight for. Faith that through even the hardest of storms, there is a light, there is a rainbow at the end of the tunnel. God knows what he is doing with our lives, it is our job to have FAITH to walk with Him. 

We miss our angel. Her big blue eyes, soft baby skin, her little mark on her eye and her little pucker in her lips. We miss holding her hand, squeezing her cheeks, giggling at her cry. The memories of her memory surrounds us daily. It is by faith that I know I will see her again. I know I will one day here her call my name. It is by faith that we stand tall and fight through the hardest times of our lives. Most of all, it is by faith that we are still here as a family, grieving, but counting on the fact that God does love us and his blessings are endless.

Happy birthday to our sweet angel Ari. 

September 2nd, 2012 - October 29, 2012.

  

Faith in Expression

Do you ever find yourself just wanting to SCREAM at God? Yell at him for all of the things that you don't want going on in your life. Or things that aren't working the way you want them to in your life? Or even yelling at him for not being able to hear him? There have been so many times I've just wanted to and have screamed at God. WHY?!? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do good people have bad people surround them? Why is the freaking sky blue? WHY?!?! There have been days where I break down, unable to speak and I'm just crying wondering where do I go next, what does this road lead me to? 

The funny thing is, I always know that no matter how hard I scream at him, or yell, or how angry I get, he is ALWAYS there for me. I may not hear him or feel him the same way, but he is ALWAYS there. Whether I want him to be or not. Whether what's going on in my life is what I want it to be or not. HIS plan is always bigger than MY plan. If there's one thing I do gain from screaming at God, it's to know that even when I do scream at him, he's still there. He doesn't abandon me like a friend or neighbor might if I started screaming at them. He doesn't change his love for me because I'm mad at him. It's a constant ever-lasting love that he gives to all of us, no matter how mad we are at him. 

As I get older and gain more experience into the "Christian" world, I see that God doesn't necessarily want us to be constantly happy with him (well, in a way he does, but it just doesn't work out that way). We aren't always going to like the choices that are put before us. It makes us human to be angry. It makes us human to sin when we are angry. Does it mean we're right, No. Does God still love us regardless, Yes. 

When we're happy with God we rejoice him, when we're content we pray, when we're mad we yell, when tragedy happens people can tend to drop out of Christian belief and leave God. We have all of these expressions that we can use towards God and no matter what, he still loves us. 

So is it okay to be angry with God? Well, if you ask me, yes. It is okay. Like I said before, even though God puts us through certain situations in life, we may not like what those situations may be. We've all heard the saying that "Life isn't fair," well you're darn skippy it's not fair. So sometimes we can get mad about that. God can handle it. Scream away. But remember that when good things do come along, praise Him. Show Him your appreciation. The bible says to praise him in ALL things:

I Thessalonians 5:18 – In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.


It's not always the easiest thing to do, especially when we're mad, but praising him for even the simplest of things like an easy ride to work that day is something God sees, and he will continue to bless you with. 

My husband and I have faced a number of challenges over the past 3 years that we have been together. From illness, to deaths in the family, job changes, money changes, we have been riddled with things that could potentially tear our family apart. I think it goes without saying that I have had a fair share in screaming at God through those times, maybe even more than my fair share. Regardless, through every storm we should praise him. 

Casting Crowns wrote a song specific to this post and it has been held dear in my heart over the course of these challenges...some of the lyrics are:

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm 

If you've never heard this song and are struggling through storms in your life, I encourage you to listen to this song. Here is the video: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ype1xE0wzsg 

So, in conclusion, scream away. Be mad. Let him know you're angry. God can take it. But always remember to praise him in the storms you face. Have faith that through your praise God will bring good to you. 

Be blessed!  

Faith in Freedom

This weekend marked the 3 year anniversary for me of being a born again Christian. 3 years. It seems crazy to me. To think for the last three years I've given my life to Christ and trusted him with my life. Three years that I've had the thought of "is this real" in my head. This weekend also coincided with a popular American holiday, the Fourth of July, Independence Day. A holiday that marks the freedom for people that are in America, a day that marks independence for our nation. 

Three years ago I attended a church service that BLEW my mind. It was about FREEDOM. The freedom we have in our hearts, our minds, our souls and our decisions to love a God that will always love us in return. I never knew there was something out there like that. I knew God was there. I knew God was a part of the church. What I didn't know is how much and often and far and wide that he loves us. The meaning of an unconditional love. 

Mathew 7:11 reads this...
"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

Having kids myself, I can relate to this. I love my children unconditionally, no matter how much they piss me off some days. I still love them. They have the freedom to choose whether they love me back though, whether they accept the love I give them. Just as we have the freedom to choose whether we love Christ back.

How do we reach that freedom though? It took me a long time to allow that love in my heart. To understand what that meant. As the first sermon I experienced explained, you can only allow God into your heart when you have let go of other things in life that you value over God. For instance, drinking. I certainly enjoyed my fair share of drinks in the past, and that's not to say I don't have one now and again today, but it does not control me. I don't live life based around my drinking schedule. Ever since that one part changed over from loving drinking to loving God instead, I saw changes in my life. Major changes. One being the amount of unconditional love I had for my children. My heart let go of that drinking, and had room for the love of my kids and my God. How incredible is that!?!

Once that started, I was able to apply it to other parts of my life. Swearing, smoking, hanging out with the wrong people, paying attention to what I put in my body. All of these holes were happening in my heart allowing God to come in and just completely take over. I had finally felt freedom. Letting go of things and just giving them to God was a challenge, but it was the best thing I have ever done for myself, for my family and of course, for God. 

Childlike Faith

And they were bringing children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them.  Mark 10:13-16

I've been wanting to write this post for a long time now. To talk about children and their faith, and how it's so effortless. As adults we ponder and think over every last detail of what the Bible says, but as children faith is just so effortless. 

Through the course of events our family has endured over the last year, my oldest daughter has asked me so many times what Heaven is like, and asked when she can go to be with the people she knows up there and loves. She never questions if it's real, where it is, how it works to "get in" or any other questions that ramble through an adult head when thinking of heaven. Her faith is blind, there is no question she isn't getting to heaven, no question that Jesus isn't real, and no question that people in heaven are watching over her.

Children amaze me with their ability to learn and establish a loving relationship with the Lord early on in their lives, and continue that love for years, throughout their lifetime. I wonder though, HOW does that strong of a faith build? HOW does a child know that they know that they know Jesus is real? The same reason they believe in the tooth fairy, or Santa Clause, or the boogey man. Stories they've been told and the blind faith they have gives them the ability to just simply believe. 

Children depend on us to show them how to act and behave and believe in the world. We are their compasses. God gives us all the incredible talent to be able to lead a child, if we choose to do so that is. I absolutely love talking to my daughter about faith and God, and she loves it too. Without the brain of adult to add in her own reasoning she can believe, or without her own logic, she can believe. 

Whenever I seem to be having a bad day, or thinking doubtful thoughts, I always look to this picture (which hangs at my desk at work): 

This is my daughter. Praising. It is one of the most beautiful pictures I have of her and I remember the day vividly. Although we weren't "Christians" at the time, this was a period where I was starting to make my transition. Watching her dance through the rain and jump in the puddles and just praising what a fun day she was having and saying "thank you" to the rain clouds for still letting the sun shine. Just effortless praise and thanks to things around her. This image is one of my rocks. One of the things that brings me back to having "childlike faith." It's effortless, careless, loving, hopeful, cherished and faithful. 

Sometimes as adults we forget what it's like to be like a child. To think like a child. To throw out the baggage and just believe. Just have FAITH. All that being said, don't be afraid to throw the baggage out. Don't be afraid to just blindly say "OK" and jump in with both feet. I believe it's when we blindly follow our faith that the best outcomes occur.

Faith in the eye of a storm

First and foremost, my prayers are out to Oklahoma. To the families, friends, teachers, spouses, pets and all those in between. The tragedy of such magnitude is unimaginable in my head. My prayers go to those who have lost someone. To those who have lost a home. To those who have lost faith. 

How do you manage to hold onto faith through such a situation? To comprehend why God would do something so horrible? Did he try? Did he aim it straight for you? I'm sure that so many questions arise to those going through the pains they've experienced. 

I do find it incredible to hear of the encouraging stories of those around who give up their time, money, belongings to help those that are in need. The stories of prayers being prayed to help heal and bring the community together. Although a disaster has occurred, God is bringing hearts together all over our nation to life those people up. Does the bible not say "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28). 

As you go home tonight, hug your children extra hard. Give them one more kiss than usual. Keep them wrapped in your love. It's times like these we look at our lives and realize what is important, and it not things, but the people and relationships we cherish. 

God bless you all in OK. May your recovery be quick, your love stay strong and your hearts be faithful to the Lord.

To my dear friend, who has lead a path of faith for me...

To a dear dear friend of mine on the week before her wedding...

You lovely spark of awesomeness you. I'm so very proud, happy, excited, giddy, joyful, peaceful and just overall elated for your big day that is coming up this weekend. On top of all of that I feel so very honored and blessed that you have asked me to be a part of it. Your joy with the man of your dreams has just elated me and seeing your dream come true brings my heart to little melting droplets. I just know it's literally going to be a gross explosion of love for you two this weekend and I can't WAIT to see it! Flashback, about a year and a half ago:

You and I at my wedding...ahhh what a day! Was so happy to see and have you there!
Can't wait for those dresses to be reversed! :) hehe

Before YOUR big day, I thought it would be a good idea to say thank you. Thank you for leading me. Thank you for showing me what faith is. Thank you for being there for prayers, love and support when I've needed it. Thank you for showing me that having faith isn't so weird after all. Thank you for being so strong to put up with my craziness and joking about being a bible bumper. Who would have thought all these years later I'd be a Christ follower with ya? So thank you. You have done more than you know, and as I stand back and watch you grow into a new person with your fiance, and shine even more, I can't help but thank GOD for bringing you into my life.You are beautiful. You are inspiring. You are amazing and you are MY FRIEND! I am SO BLESSED to have you in my life. Another flashback: 
 

One of our fun trips to Duluth. Sick kid, cranky kid, cranky us, apples and a fun football game!

Your faith was always a strong suit, something that intrigued me. It has led me to having faith as well and as you know, growing more than either of us could have imagined. You planted a seed, that seed has sprouted and is now growing inside of me, so no matter how far apart we live, how often we talk or how often we see each other, you will always be a part of me that helps plant seeds into others. Your kind heart will always be a reminder of what it is like to be Christ-like, and your joy in life will always be a reminder of the joy you've given me. Ok, one more flash back...hahaha...

21st birthday, yep...it was awesome!

 Through the years of knowing you my dear friend, we have seen and been through many challenges. One thing has never changed, your belief in me in finding Christ. So again, I stop to thank you, for always having that faith that I would walk the walk with you. Speaking of walk, something you once said has always stayed in my mind:  

"By the way, what no one ever told you about this Christian walk – it doesn’t stop the fact that you’re still the same old spitfire on the inside and now you have to act on the spirit, and not the flesh, even when the flesh wants to tell your coworkers where they can go shove it. Kill ‘em with kindness, oh joy." 

So soooo true. So very happy to have another spitfire to walk with (yes, I'm talking about you)! You are so wise my dear, and again, I'm very blessed to have you as my friend!

I SERIOUSLY can't wait for this weekend! Love you always, and looking forward to many many years ahead of us as friends and as bible bumpers :) 

Here's to you and your lover boy, and many years of happiness to follow! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo!!!

Religion vs. Faith

The other night I was sitting with my Alpha group. We just started a new session last week. (I love love love Alpha, and will plug plug plug for it!! It has changed my life, so if I talk a lot about it, it's because it has been a big role playing factor in my faith journey over the course of the last 3 years.) This week's topic was "Who Is Jesus?"  

Hefty question, ay?

As we got into the conversation, the question came up "what's the difference between Religion and Faith?" 

"Ummm. Wow. What a question," I said. 

As the group began to discuss it a little bit, it really got to me, what IS the difference. How does our society look at Religion and Faith?

Let's first define them, by dictionary terms:

Religion:

1. The belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, esp. a personal God or gods.
2. Details of belief as taught or discussed.

Faith:

1. Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.
2. Strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof.
 

I think so many times in life people get so caught up in what they think is "Religion." Thinking it's simply Christianity. Not realizing "religion" can mean any religion(s). Buddhism, Atheism, Islam, Scientology, the list goes on. Each of which having their own set of "rules" if you will, organized behaviors, their own "God" or power they believe in. Having religion in your life does not automatically put you into a Christian category. My neighbors, whom I love dearly, are Muslim. I look at them and know for a fact that they have a different religion that I do, practice different prayers and have different holidays.

Religion does not equal Christianity. Neither does faith. 

Faith simply refers to trust. Trust in yourself, in  your neighbors or in a God. Trust that the rules you have are correct, that if you follow them good things will happen, or trust that you will live another day. Having faith does not automatically make you a Christian. Going back to my neighbors, when I look at them, I still know that even though they are Muslim, the do have faith in their God. They have faith in heaven and going there. Their faith leads their lives.

Going through these Alpha courses I've run into so many types of religions and people who are all wondering the same thing. What does it mean to have FAITH IN GOD? To have faith in Christianity. To see the journeys and the questions laid in front of me is humbling. To know these people are in a very similar place that I was just a few short years ago. The journey can be long, exhausting and downright hard sometimes. But other times it's so rewarding to have the FAITH of knowing you eventually will go to heaven, to see loved ones, to see Jesus. How amazing will that day be? 

I guess my point of this post is to try and look outside the box. The words faith and religion get tossed around these days. They're important words with strong meanings, it's important we understand what they mean and how they relate to our own walks and journeys...

Baby Steps

Through the hard times, the good times, the bad times, the happy times, the sad times, the fun times and the crazy times; God was always there for me, and for us. In the smallest of ways, and in the biggest. Whether I felt it or not. He always has and always will be there through every step we take. 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you." Isaiah 43:2

It's taken me some time to realize this fact, that God is always with you. I can't say it's something I remember EVERY single day either. It's a tough thing to grasp the fact that someone is always with you when you can't see them. Over the past few years I have had the experience of not only feeling, but hearing Him near me, helping me through some really tough situations. Here are a few of them:

Baby step #1: A little over two years ago, I began experience horrific pain in my left "ovary" if you will. These weren't cramps. It felt like someone was actually stabbing me and twisting this knife. During our Alpha course we had a "weekend retreat", which was only one day. This day was amazing though. This was the day that I figured out some sort of reason WHY I was having all of this pain. The word "Fibromyalgia" came up through the "words of wisdom" our leaders had received from prayers. I knew I didn't have this, but later on I had looked up what it was, what some symptoms were and BOOM! There it was. Big letters staring me in the face, ENDOMETRIOSIS. THANK YOU GOD! Something that made sense. This is then when I went to numerous doctors, pretty much got laughed at until finding the doctor who actually believed me, and eventually did my surgery. 


Baby Step #2: During our time at Alpha, my fiance and I had also started looking at houses together. I swear, we had looked at at least 40 of them so far and put in 5 offers. Each offer was more discouraging than the one before. Either something didn't allow us to qualify, or other bids were put in, or the house suddenly went off the market. My dreams were crushed each time as I mentally moved myself into these places. So here we are sitting at one of our last Alpha nights. I really wanted some private prayer with one of my long-time friends so we went into a private and quiet room and just prayed about the house. As she was praying, she said that a "green door" came to her mind. All these red doors, then finally a green one. At first I was kind of like, ok, yeah I get it, I'll eventually find the one we will buy. Little did I know though a seed had planted. That weekend we had 5 or 6 houses on our docket to look at. House 1, no. House 2, no. House 3, no. House 4, NO! House 5, whooooa, green door, literally. The house had a green door! Go in, HECK NO! Worst of them all! So I'm thinking "oh yeah, green door, good clue there God!" House 6...ANOTHER green door. Ok, ok. Shouldn't have spoke so soon right? Well, we go in and instantly I knew that was our home. That "Green Doored" house, was RIGHT where God wanted us. So, we put in our last and final offer on our search for our home.

Baby Step #3: Getting into the house. Whoo! We loved this house. We put less emotion into it though after the experience we had all the others. Things were moving along. We were getting to the point of having our inspection. My fiance is normally the more "level" headed of the two of us. I'm very frantic at times, and he's usually the one saying "calm down, it will be ok". Not the case this time. He was the one freaking out, getting nervous and making a big deal out of the inspection. We just wanted so much for everything to be good on this house. We were ready to have our own home. I knew I could trust God on this one. Let his will be done. So that day, we had our inspection, after prayer and believing he will do what's best, our inspection was passed with flying colors. God did have it. He had it the whole time. 

Baby Step #4: Closing day on our house. Finally! We had finally reached the point of being able to sign all the paperwork for our new home. No joke, that Friday, I had all of my life unpacked from my two 5x10 foot storage units, and put on a Uhaul, and sitting in front of my home to be. We were ready. As we're sitting there, going through every detail of every page and signing numerous times on the dotted line one of the women working there came and told us "well, we aren't able to get ahold of anyone in NY to approve all of this. You may be signing the paperwork tonight, but there's no guarantee of getting you your key." WHAT?!?! NO!!!! I'm ready to moooove! I was freaking out. Because on top of the moving I wanted to do, I also had surgery the next morning at 6am which put me out of "moving condition" for a few weeks. Sitting at the table, I quietly bowed my head and said a little prayer. I don't remember it exactly, but it went a little something like this:
God. Please. Help me. Get me the key to my house. Please.
That's it. Nothing fancy, nothing immaculate. About what felt like forever and a day later the same woman walked in and says "well, someone got it done, congratulations! Here are the keys to your new home." I walked out of there that day in complete disbelief of what had just happened. No one there knew what my prayer was...just that we NEEDED to get into that house that night. God heard me...and he made it happen. (And Here I am, in front of our new home, the day we signed all the papers :) )

Baby Step #5: Our wedding day. This is a whole blog post in itself. But to sum up my post here, this was a big clincher in showing me God's love and what it can do for you if you just give it all to him. He showed me patience, kindness, goodness, love, everything I needed that day for it to be perfect. So that when the perfect man put the perfect ring on my finger, I knew God had a hand in it. I felt it in my heart. We also did what is called a "Unity Cross" rather than sand or candles. We got so many people who said this was amazing, and they could feel the faith in our relationship. This day showed me a lot. God's power. His love. His patience. His humor. It built one GIANT step on my faith ladder. (Unity Cross is the big cross thing in front of us in the picture below. Comes apart as 6 total pieces. (1) Base, (2) outer "man" portion, (3) inner "woman" portion, (4, 5, 6) and 3 pegs that represent the Father, Son and Holy Spirit that bind the marriage all together.)

God has taken a lot of steps with us. At first they started as baby steps. As we grow into our Faith, religion and values those steps are becoming bigger and making bigger impacts on our lives, our children's lives and the people around us.  

Always know he is with you. He is guiding you. If you need help, don't EVER be afraid to ask. 

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth. 
Psalm 121:1-2 

Birthday Wishes!

Today is a magical day. One of my favorite days in the whoooole wide world! Today is my oldest daughter's birthday. 8 years ago I struggled with one of the hardest decisions of my life. As a 17 year old, I wasn't sure that I was ready for a kid. Her "dad" was not the most supportive person, was on drugs and we constantly fought over everything. It was the most stressful pregnancy ever. At the end of 9 months of H-E-Double Hockey Sticks....there she was. The most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on. Healthy as could be (which was a shock considering all the things I did and went through in my pregnancy that was NOT healthy). She was truly a miracle. I guess I could say from that moment, I started to have a bit of faith building in me. There was hope for better things. 

Regardless, I just wanted to share that today is my little girl's birthday. Because of her, I want my faith to shine through every day, moment and thing that I do. She inspires me.

Happy Birthday baby girl!!! 

Leaping Away

3 years ago, I first met my husband. We were both in a state of our lives where we weren't sure where to go, what to do, how to help ourselves or even what to think at times. We were just living. Waking up, going to work, coming home and going to bed. There was no passion.

My husband had just suffered a brain hemorrhage near his Cerebellum. Amazingly, he was able to greatly recover by the time I had met him which was just a month or two later. He also has familial polyposis, which required him to have his large intestines removed in high school. I remember being in awe of him and his story. What he had been through, the things he had endured at his young age. He had such strength. Yet, he still wanted more in life. I can remember the late night talking and texting (our schedules were opposite at the time, so the only time we really had to talk was late at night). I would stay up til the wee hours of the morning just to keep him company on his overnights. Even before we met, I had the feeling of a 16 year old girl having her first crush. I had NEVER felt this way about a person. EVER. 

We finally decided to meet...in person. We like to joke that our first date was when he fell head over heels for me, because he literally just about fell on his face on our way out the door of our first date. I saved him...like any princess would save her prince! I remember talking about God on our date. Neither one of us really having a relationship, knowledge, or complete faith in him yet, but knowing 100% that He brought us together for something. Whether it was just to play hockey, be friends, whatever, we knew something big was in the works. 

A few months later, he told me that the girl he was seeing before me, was pregnant, and that it was his. I remember seeing him so vulnerable, scared and at a loss of words because he didn't want to lose me. At the time though, all I could think was that he accepted my daughter into his life, and I couldn't turn my back on him when he was going to have a child of his own. It was quite obvious the mother of this child and him would NEVER be back together. 

Because of his medical history, at the time he wasn't sure if he wanted involvement or wanted a child period, and I get it. He went through a lot of pain and suffering with his medical issues. He didn't want his kid to go through that same ordeal. We ended up breaking up for a short time because of this event. I couldn't be with someone who wasn't willing to take the responsibilities of getting someone pregnant, regardless of their feelings on their medical problems. I dealt with that with my own daughter's father, I would not support it by dating someone who would be termed a "dead beat dad". Being together with a person who would just abandon their child did not seem like the right thing to do though. So we took a break. 

We still talked, texted, went to church together and played hockey. Did all the normal things friends would do, but left it at that, friends. Really good friends. My best friend. I dated another guy for a short period between who ended up being the complete wrong person, was over obsessive and wouldn't leave me alone - EVER. Eventually, my parents kicked me out of their house along with my daughter. The ONLY person I could think of turning to was my best friend. My now husband. Even though I was dating this other guy, I couldn't get my best friend off my mind. I KNEW God had a hand in this, that he put him in my heart. So, I broke up with the one guy, and decided I would move in with my "reunited" boyfriend and his parents until we were able to buy a house (which at the time I was already in the hunts for).

Talk about awkward, moving in with a guy you've known a short time in perspective of your overall lifetime, as well as his parents who you've only met as a stinky sweaty hockey player just coming off the ice. Awesome. We did it though. My daughter and I had no other choice. A short time after that I began having a lot of pain in my "lady parts". My uterus felt like it was going to explode. I went to multiple doctors, and finally through a word I heard at our alpha course I determined myself that I had Endometriosis. The level I had it at was super painful. To the point where I was balled on the floor for half of my day. I didn't think I would make it through. 

Now, again, talk about awkward. Just move in with this guy and here I am having a bunch of girl issues. Nonetheless, he stood by my side. He went to the doctors with me. He held my hand through it all. He had FAITH we would get through this thing. So, eventually after going to multiple doctors and getting multiple results, NO answers, and people saying "I'm too young for Endometriosis," we finally found a doctor who was willing to listen. He took me and my pain seriously. He wanted me on the operating table immediately. So, I went in for surgery, had it removed and at my post-op was told that if I ever wanted to have children again, it was kind of now or never. At this point, my "boyfriend" and I had bought a house, lived together, and knew we would be married at some point. This gave us a shove though. We KNEW God brought us together. We KNEW God had a plan for us. So we leaped. 

Four short months after my surgery and buying a house, was the day we leaped. August 6th, 2011. An AMAZING day! Ask anyone who was there, it was AWESOME!

We didn't want to try for a baby until we were married, because according to the Bible, that's how it was to be done. We did our best to not even do the "hibbity dibbity" before we got married. We aren't perfect though...so don't judge. Anyhow, as a couple, that was our first LEAP! And boy what a leap it's been. One of these days, I'll get to share our wedding day. The magic that took place, and how from that day forward we knew that what we were doing was right. That God really did bring us together. He really did have a meaning for our lives and a love for us. 

We leaped. Into His arms and into His love. 

In the beginning...

When I look back to 3 years ago now, it's crazy to think what I have been through, along with my family. 3 years ago I found God. Desperately trying to fix my life, I found him. I guess moving back in with your parents really changes a girl ;) I guess it wasn't some spectacular story. I lived on my own with my daughter. We ended up moving in with a roommate who went a bit crazy on us, and so I had no choice but to move us in with my mom and step-dad. 

THIS is when I started going to church. When I needed something to help me. I was ready for anything at this point. A miracle. And I found it. 

1st service I went to. WHEW! It was a doozy. 4th of July. Pastor talkin about freedom. Wrote about some of this in my first blog. Needless to say, I walked out a sobbing mess and ready to give mine and my daughters life to Christ. 

Now again, in the early days I wasn't the best "Christian" example. It was summertime, I was 22, beer is good. I was still called though. Called to go to church, to worship, to pray, to meet other people. Along side me was a guy I started dating, who I'm lucky enough to now call my husband. When we first met, we were both finding Christ. It's been a journey we've taken very much together, hand in hand. Looking back, there's no one I would rather do it with than him. My husband has built my faith, from the beginning and he continues to every day. 

It's amazing how far we have come. Battled. Continue to battle and come out on top. In 3 years, my husband and I have been through more than most relationships go through in 10 years. I'll get into a lot of it at some point...but from the beginning...this guy...

 

...has built my faith, my love and my passion for God. Of course it was the big man behind it all along, but he brought me a gift of awesomenes!

Somehow we just knew from the moment we met, we weren't meant to be together. Our journey started together, and will end together. It's a "LEAP OF FAITH" we took together.

Finding your first ounce of Faith

So, on a normal daily basis, most people put faith in themselves, their car, their job, their boss, their phone, and so on. It's great that we can put the amount of faith into these things that we do. For example,

1. I have faith that I will complete my homework tonight.
2. I have faith that my car will start and drive correctly to get me to work. 
3. I have faith that my job will still be there the next day. 
4. I have faith that my boss will see things through my eyes as a professional. 
5. I have faith that my phone will not die, and inform me of all my meetings and appointments. 

So, if we can put so much faith in these EARTHLY things, why is it so difficult to put our faith in something much bigger, stronger and smarter than we are? GOD. I find myself thinking I have control. I have the reigns, when in all reality, I don't. I don't even have one of the reigns. Life cannot be controlled by my hand alone.

I remember the first time I went back to church after who knows how many years. I went with a friend from work who I had asked about finding me a cool place to go. Luckily, the church he led me to was such an amazing church. I remember just walking in, and it was at a high school. So I'm thinking, "this should be veeery interesting." Alas....FREE coffee. Childcare. Friendly people. There was no judgement, no weird eyes, welcoming hands, pastors, ushers, etc. Which is the way church SHOULD be. Before the service started, we did worship (which in all reality was freaking awesome!). Live band, singing, people throwin their hands in the air, this church was where I was meant to be! My kind of style! So then we get into the sermon, and in my head I'm thinking "ok, here goes an hour of nothing" (while still being in a somewhat hung-over state). I should note that my first return to church happened to be on July 4th. To my surprise, the sermon got off to a ripping and roaring start talking about the Freedoms we have in our lives, and the Freedoms we have in our HEARTS. How when we let God in our hearts, we make freedom there. That's when the scars of depression, alcoholism, anger, fear can all start to wash away. When we can begin to let go of things and let God take the reigns. Let go, and Let GOD as one of my co-workers likes to say.

This was the first time that I, as an adult, accepted and welcomed God into my heart. As mentioned earlier, being the 22 year old I was, drinking was something I did well, let's just say often. So showing up to church a few times after that hung over was not unheard of. BUT - I accepted Christ! I made that first step of FAITH to say, yes, I will have you in my life. I will follow you. I will allow you to lead me. That first step has led to many, many more. 

So how do you take a first step of Faith? What a crazy and hard question to answer.

1. Find a good church - one that has small groups, is personal, takes church beyond your typical "Sunday Service"
2. Read your bible, find God's promises for you
3. Give your life to Christ with others
4. Get friends and family involved
5. JUMP IN! It's going to be a wild ride!

Now, I realize all of that is MUCH easier said than done, but a little prayer never hurt either. 

Hebrews 11:6  

"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."