Dear Ari

There are not many times that I get to sit and reminisce about the times I had with my daughter for the eight short weeks of her life. Sure there's the morning car ride, maybe once or twice during the day a flash of her face will come into my memory, and then there's always the daunting ride home. I still remember a few days after returning to work that car ride home. To say the least, it was dangerous. Probably outright wrong for me to drive in the condition that I was in. The tears never stopped. They never stopped pouring. The cries out to God and asking (or more like screaming) why me? Why our family? Why didn't I even get to say goodbye? Why didn't you stop this from happening if you are the God almighty? For weeks I would cry on my way home only to wipe my tears away before I had step out of my car, and walk into my house where my husband and two other children sat waiting for me. 

Three years later, the tears certainly don't flow as often, but the remnants of her never go away. And for that reason, I felt I needed to say some things. To you, and to my sweet angel because they are thoughts that rumble in my head that no one ever gets to hear but me...and I feel it's time for people to hear.

After Ari passed away, our family faced so many other trials. Things most people probably wouldn't even believe or know about. It seemed as though they would never end and we would constantly be facing grief or trials of some sort. Luckily, things started to calm down a little bit and I began to meet other moms who had angel babies. I heard their stories. I read about their children. I felt for them. My heart broke with them as they had to say goodbye. A small part of me though, felt jealous (and still sometimes do). The jealousy that other parents got to say goodbye to their children would set in. That they got to hold their child one last time, even though it may not have been the ideal "holding" of their child. They got to HOLD their child. I didn't. I was jealous they had more time with their child. I was jealous they had better resources after losing a child. I felt so many other emotions towards other moms. As jealous as it has made me at times, I have slowly begun to realize that God is holding me. He's squeezing me tight. And as much as it sucks I didn't get to hold my baby, that is no reason to be angry or jealous towards another mom or dad who is suffering just as much as I am. At all. We are all in the same boat, with different stories of how we got there. 

After Ari passed though, I was terrified. It wasn't the fact that I woke up next to my dead child that terrified me. Touching her cold body wasn't terrifying. Seeing the blood that had settled at the back of her neck was not terrifying. It wasn't the police, or the funeral, or the thoughts of what other people might think, or any of those things that truly terrified me. I was terrified about what this would do to our family, to my friendships, and to myself. I was terrified about losing a very close relationship I had built with God because I would be angry and so mad that I just couldn't turn back to him ever again, which I had already gone through when my dad has passed away when I was 11. Fortunately, I was deep in my journey with God to know enough that without him, we wouldn't get through this. And just as fortunate, our church community wrapped their arms around us and just gave us love. I will never forget that. I will never forget how much grace we were given in that time. 

Ari left us from this earth, but God never did. He still hasn't. I've seen miracles worked in our lives through the trials that we have had to endure. Through the things we have had to experience God has never left our side. Because of that, I am still here to tell my story and show that you can endure anything...ANYTHING...when God is with you. 

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2–4)

“Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” (Ephesians 6:13)

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

“For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit” (1 Peter 3:18)

" I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)

There is verse after verse in the Bible where we are given strength and reminded of the power of love from Jesus Christ. If not for this, I truly do not know where our family would be today. Especially after all the guilt and jealousy I have endured throughout the years. 

If anyone asks where I gain my strength, it is from God alone. 


And now, a letter to my precious girl...
To my dear my sweet angel, Ariella Grace,

1094 days. It has been 1094 days since I kissed you goodbye. Since I last saw your face. Since I last felt your touch. That cold, haunting touch. 

It's hard to believe so much has passed since you gained your wings.

I think of you every day. It's hard not to when you are constantly tugging on my heart, and when your ashes hang around my neck. It's hard not to think of you when someone asks "how many children do you have" and I don't know what to say. And it's definitely not hard to think of you every day when I wake up and know you are a physical missing piece of my every day life. 

The best photo I ever got of your curls.

I remember your hair color...the exact color. It isn't just brown. It was brown with little hints of blonde and red mixed in and when the sunlight hit it just right, it shined perfectly with your skin. Your hair had the best little curls. They were so tiny. I was so excited to see you grow up and see what your hair would look like.  

And your smell. I will never forget your smell. I remember after you left us, I looked for everything in the house that you touched to try and capture your smell, but I never could. It wasn't a typical baby smell. It was YOUR smell and there is nothing like it on this earth. 

I so vividly remember your eyes. I would look at you and it was like staring into the depths of an ocean, or the vastness of the stars, or trying to stare across Lake Superior and see what's on the other side. They were big, beautiful, and never-ending. 

I remember when you arrived in this world. From my water breaking, to getting to the hospital, to the moment you were born and I finally, FINALLY got to hold you in my arms. And those few days in the hospital with you and all of the friends and family that came to visit you and see how beautiful you were in person, because pictures could never do you justice.

I remember nursing you. How tight you would hold onto me. How you would fall asleep and yet still hold on so tight. I remember the ease in which you nursed. We never had problems. Just bonding. It was beautiful. 

I remember the day it snowed. Your first snowfall. We were at home, just you and I. We were enjoying some music and dancing in the living room together. As I looked outside, I saw snow coming down and just had to show you. I took a photo to forever encapsulate that moment. To many, this photo would mean nothing, but to me, this photo is a vivid memory of spending precious moments with you.

I remember putting you to be that last night. Three years ago, TODAY. How calm you were. It was unusual. At the time I thought nothing of it. There wasn't a single night that you weren't sleeping on top of me. It's the only way I could get you to sleep for extended periods. And I loved your snuggles. That night though, was different. You were swaddled and I laid you in your bassinet. For the first time since being home, you didn't cry after being put into it. Again, thought nothing of it. Then daddy wanted to snuggle you, so he brought you to bed, as we did every single night before then, and gave you kisses goodnight as you went off to dreamland. I remember waking up and checking on you. I was nervous about having to go back to work. I was nervous about leaving you. I was nervous about having to think about you all day and not hold you. I was nervous about having to pump at work. So many thoughts ran through my head all night while I constantly checked on you. Then at some point, I drifted into a real sleep.

And then I remember the morning I woke up to you being gone. I remember staring down at your soft hair on your beautiful little head. Looking at you in complete awe. I stared at you for a few minutes. I remember saying "you are such an angel" out loud to you. Shortly after, I slowly started to realize you had truly become an angel. In the most horrific moment of my life, I realized you had become the most beautiful angel. With the most sparkly and beautiful wings any angel could ever have.

From that moment, our house erupted. Sirens, friends, family, police, ambulance, neighbors, tears, screams, horror. Everything seemed to move so fast. And then you were gone from our home. My last kiss to you I will never forget. As scary as that last time I saw you was, I will never forget it. No matter how much it hurts.

Your eyes, your hair, your birthday, your angelversary, your nicknames, your smile. These are all things that anyone could remember about you. These are tiny, minuscule parts of what I remember of you. I spent almost every single second of your life with you. I know my day will come to see you again. I day dream about the day we meet again. I know you see every tear and feel every second that I miss you. One day, my sweet girl, all those tears will be gone and we can reunite.  

I love you my sweet, precious, beautiful Angel Ariella. Until we meet again....

Christmas without HER

I remember the first Christmas without her. It felt like my heart was missing an entire piece, and that there was no hope for it to feel some kind of love again.
I remember the second. It was not a happy time. I missed my baby girl so much. All I wanted was to have her back. I was angry. Why her?
I am now to the third, but it's a different world. It's a different place. Having a new baby, but not having "your baby". The pride and joy you had, of THAT baby. There's nothing to show for it though besides old pictures and an urn. But it's ok.
I honestly can't think of a better time to sit and remember her. Her beautiful life. Her beautiful heart. Her beautiful mind. She was with us for a short time, but she made an impact on my life. On my husband's. On my entire family's.
Ariella.......Ariella.......Ariella.....Ms. Ariella Grace. Oh my. You just capture me. My heart. My love. Time does not heal the heart, but it does expand it. As I live every day, every moment, without you, I realize how much you mean to me. How much, in your short time here, I learned from you. I am just surprised.
I know God had a big part in it all. He is the chess master. But it never removes the love I have for you. It never removes the pain either. I'm so thankful to be your mom. To know that you're in my heart forever. Ms. Ariella Grace. You are always with me, and though I miss you, I am better this Christmas. I remember you and all that you have brought into my life. Like renewed joy, hope and love for others. I am still amazed by how you have touched my life, and others. You are missed sweet girl. Please comfort others through this holiday season and show them your light. I know you are always with me...my wish this Christmas is for you, my sweet angel, to reach others with your love and shine on them. Show them God's love and grace.

Miss you sweet girl. Merry Christmas in heaven.

A Season of Thanks

Now that November is over, and we're moving into the season of giving, I really just wanted to take a moment to outwardly say what I am thankful for. The photo below was posted on the Facebook page for the radio station I listen to here, KTIS. So in honor of that, while a little late, I give thanks...

My Mom <3

- I am thankful for my Mom. She has given me strength through my whole life. She has been, without a doubt, the most influential person in my life. Without her, I would literally be in a box under a bridge. I would literally not know what to do in certain situations. She is truly a saint in my life! I love you mom! 




- I am thankful that since my sweet Ari passed away, I have been able to take the time to look at the sun rise every morning I can. I say hi to my baby, knowing she's just waking up, saying good morning to me. It's a special time, a bonding moment, I am still able to keep and do almost on a daily basis. 













- I'm thankful for the huge team of support I gained by joining MomsLikeMe a number of years back. They truly are great women, from every aspect of life. They all radiate love when any one of us is going through hard times. We've all had our fair share of ups and downs, and it's so nice to know there is a group of women, who have kids, who really understand & care. 

- I'm thankful for my dogs. They are just the sweetest, most loving pair I could have ever asked for. 








- I'm thankful for breastfeeding! I'm thankful to live in a society that for the most part, accepts it. Yeah it's awkward to some, but get over it. It's natural, and it's an amazing bonding time. I have no shame in saying I breastfed my daughter for as long as I could! I'm thankful we got that time together. It has really given her and I a bond that is beyond measure! She is my little mommy's girl!


- I'm thankful for being able to go back to school and go after my real passion in life. I have always known that I wanted to be a therapist. Having a kid at 17 was not a part of my "plan" in life though, and it threw things a little off course. However, I'm so glad I am able to go back, make a plan for my life, and follow it in the interest of helping others. 

- I'm thankful for music. There are certain songs that really touch my heart through different seasons of life. I'm so glad there are many talented people out there who can help me through my times of joy, pain, anger or laughter and help me through music. 

- I am SOOOOO SOOO very thankful for my closest girlfriends. They hold me up, they make me smile, they slap me with reality when I need it, they're a shoulder to cry on, a laugh to share with, and heck, my favorite people to drink some wine with! They are my BEST friends for a reason!! I love them so freaking much! 



- I'm thankful for my church. I'm thankful for my therapist who pushed me to start going to a church. I'm thankful for the people God has placed in my life there who have been so supportive. It's an amazing feeling to know there are so many other people who are there for you, and will pray for you, no matter what. 

- I'm thankful for all of my girls. My sweet daughters. I couldn't imagine life without them, or the experiences that we have had together. They are all just AMAZING in their very own special ways. 

Ariella Grace <3 9.2-12-10.29.12

Isabelle <3

Lily <3

Nevaeh <3

 


















































- I'm thankful for my husband. While things aren't always perfect, I love him. Endlessly. He has always been there for me. He has always made me feel safe. He is my best friend...BEST friend. He is my other half. My one true love. I can't imagine my life without him.

 
- I'm thankful for God. For how he has shown up in my life in amazing ways. Through my journey of being a Christian, I have realized it is NOT easy. No matter how glorious being a Christian may seem, it is not an easy thing to do. To have constant FAITH in something you don't even know exists. To have constant FAITH that things are done in love and that all things are turned to GOOD for those who love Jesus Christ. It can be hard some days. But I'm thankful for the challenge. I'm thankful to have Jesus to lean on. To hold my hand, help me put on my big girl pants and keep on movin!

- Last for today, I struggle with how to put this into words, but I'm thankful that my daughter, Ariella, and my dad, Robert, are in heaven. Without the loss of them, my heart would never have grown to what it is today. I would never have appreciated all of the little things I see and hear and feel with my girls now. I never would have gone back to school. I never would have realized the people around me who are really there to help. I never would have become the strong, independent person I am today. I would have never known what it's like to have lost something so big in your life, and to be able to help others get through that. I can't say that I would have ever turned to God. I don't know where my life would be, but it sure would be different from what it is today. And I love my life today. I'm thankful for every second. No matter the battles I face, or trials that come my way...

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

So, on that note. I encourage you...to daily...yes DAILY...write down what you are thankful for. It is encouragement and humbling to have to sit down and be thankful. It's a discipline. But it's the discipline God calls us to do. Pray. Give thanks. In all things!

Giving it up...

No...not giving up...giving "IT" up. 

As in control. Of everything. All of it. Leaving nothing to try and control on your own. 

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.
Psalm 55:22 
Let's be honest. This is much easier said than done. As humans, we want control of our lives and the people around us. We want to make sure that we know every little thing that is going on in our lives. That we control it. 

I've come to the realization lately that I can't do this. I can't control everything. In fact, I can't control a LOT of things. I just have to let go....

Again, this is much easier said than done. It's not easy to fully trust in something you can't see, hear, or touch. But is it crazy to put your trust in that rather than always being stressed and crazed by trying to trust ourselves? I can't honestly say that I can trust in myself to be calm around my daughter's father (we have been separated and have had a rocky road for 8+ years). I can't trust in myself to even think about speaking to him and not putting him down. I can't trust myself to choose which job is right for me to take, if any at all. I can't trust that I can protect my kids 100% of the time. I can't trust that life will be perfect. Ever. What I can trust though, is God. God will help me. God will be with me. God is in control...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future"
Jeremiah 29:11

God makes beautiful things out of dust...
Then the LORD God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.
Genesis 2:7

God loves us, even at our darkest times buried in our own sins...
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8 

And sometimes, even our most painful times are what pull us closer to him...
Sometimes it takes a painful experience to make us change our ways. 
Proverbs 20:30

In the end though, all of our tears will go, all of our pain, suffering, hurt...
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
Revelation 21:4

We are given SO many promises in the Bible. So many promises of joy, love, life. All we have to do is give our lives to HIM. Give our troubles, our anxieties, our sadness to HIM. 

The power of prayer is a major help with letting go and letting God take over. It does bring peace. It does bring comfort. It does help. Just as we have to trust God well take over, there must be trust that he hears our prayers. 
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Philippians 4:6  

So, while having that trust is hard...do not fear...for God is with us. 

The Storm of Life

Ooooh life. 

I really don't have a specific topic for this post...I just need to get some things off my chest. 

Life has thrown a LOT of things my way recently. I have been struggling not only with the loss of my daughter, but with the loss of my dad. It's hard to believe it has really been 15 years since he passed away. The battle he had with cancer was not a pretty one. Four years of treatment, four years of chemo, four years of scans, doctors, tumors and fighting for his life. And now...15 years that he has been gone. 

I have been struggling lately. With my marriage. With my kids. With my schooling. With my job. With our finances. With my oldest child's dad. With seeing how many others are struggling in their lives. With the freaking weather!!! With life. It just seems like everything seems to be swirling in a blizzard and I can't find my way to a safe place. To somewhere calm. I don't know when it will all end either. I don't know when or how to control it all. I don't know what to do to make everything better. It's safe to say, I just want "normal" back. Whatever my normal was before all of this happened. 

God is an ever present thought in my head. We have many conversations on my long car rides to work. Some of them are good, some of them I cry, some of them I scream, and some of them I just sit in silence hoping God sees me, that he knows my pains. 

But when will God respond? I know he built me as a strong woman. I know I can handle everything...one step at a time...but when will the storm be over? My husband and I are currently in the Alpha course with our church. If you ever have an opportunity to go through it, do it. It's a great course! There is one thing that keeps running through my mind. In one of the videos, Jamie Haith says "If you wanted to have an easy life, then don't become a Christian." And I find this so true. Since giving my life to Christ, our family has had nothing BUT struggles. I honestly wish I had time to sit and list them all just to give an understanding. At the same time, we have had so many blessings and every struggle that I have only brings me closer to him. To need him more. To want him more in my life to save me. I turn to him in my worst moments. 

Through everything, I know it will all be ok. God will provide. God will stand strong in my life. All this is doing is pulling me closer to him, reaching out to those who don't know him to show his love. I found myself praying for my ex (my daughter's father) the other day...and multiple times since then. To some people, this guy doesn't deserve a thing but to be stuck in a ditch somewhere and never found. Somehow, I found the strength to pray for him. Somehow, I know God will work something through him, if I continue to pray. Because honestly, I don't know who else would be praying for the guy. 

Last night, I also found myself having a conversation with my dad. I couldn't audibly hear him, but the thoughts that went through my head I knew were not my own. It was comforting. It was such a blessing. I feel as though I even got a glimpse of my sweet angel Ariella as a little girl. A short, but beautiful glimpse. Something I have silently prayed for since reading the book The Shack (great read by the way, if you get a chance...read it). She had beautiful flowing curly hair, just as I imagined her when she was here on earth. Anyway, the conversation with my dad was simple, yet satisfying. I told him I missed him, he told me he missed me. I told him life is hard. He said I know. I asked him to hug my baby. He said he would. I asked him if everything would turn out right, and he said of course, God has big plans for you dear, now rest your eyes. And I did. 

As I said, this post has no real meaning...I just needed to get some things off my chest. My advice to anyone who is going through the storm of their life...turn to God. Because while it may all be swirling around you, God is surrounding you through it all.

Capture Your Grief: Day 29

Day 29: reflect
 
On this day, where we celebrate, mourn, miss and remember you, I reflect. I reflect on your life. How much joy you gave me. How beautiful you are. How amazingly strong you were for such an itty baby. How you helped our dog Moe get used to having a baby around. How many people you touched. How your light still shines so bright in my life. I miss you, terribly.
 
While child loss is devastating, it has grown my heart so much. It has made me appreciate life so much more. There's no way to describe the hurt, yet the joy that there is from such an event. "Capture Your Grief" has truly allowed me say what I need to. Express my hurt and joy from the crazy event that we suffered through. I know, without a doubt, it is what I needed.

No matter what, I'll always miss you. I'll always want to see you. I'll always love you. 

Gone from my arms, but never from my heart.
 
9.2.12 - 10.29.12
Ariella Grace.
#CaptureYourGrief #WhatHealsYourHeart #AriellaGrace

Capture Your Grief: Day 28

Day 28: Words of Wisdom

I think we have all heard of the 5 stages of grief before (Denial/Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). Each person moves through them so differently. Honestly, my personal walk with grief has been such a whirlwind that I think I have gone through each stage multiple times in the past two years. When it comes to wisdom though, what I can share about my grief, and how to deal with it, is this...

• Don't EVER be afraid to say my baby's name. If you don't know it, it is Ariella Grace. I WANT to hear it. I WANT to know that she is not forgotten. 
• There may be days where you see me, and my eyes are red and puffy, I look like I've just cried for hours, and I probably did. But if I'm talking to you, I'm probably OK at that moment. If I run away, then you'll know I am not OK. 
• Yes. I cry. Get over it. 
• Grief of you child is not something you take day by day. It is something that comes minute by minute. 
• If you are having a bad day, don't feel like you can't come talk to me because your problem is so "small"...I'm an open book and love to talk to anyone, about anything. 
• Be there. It's hard sometimes...I get it. It's hard for me too. But just be there. 

I'm sure there is a lot more that I could say...a lot more I could try and think of...but these are the main things. 

Grief sucks. To say the very least. However, with love, support, prayers and friendships, it is manageable.