Capture Your Grief: Day 3

Capture Your Grief: Day 3: Before

Today is about sharing who I was before we lost our daughter. Before the most unimaginable thing happened.

Before you passed away, I was happy. I was hopelessly in love (and still am). I didn't have a clue though the amount of love a person can really hold for another. I never ever EVER thought that something like this could happen to me, or our family. 

Somewhere deep inside though, I knew we wouldn't have you for long.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant (which happened to be Christmas eve) my world was a living fairy tale. I had my prince charming, and now we were going to have a baby that would help complete our blended family. We were all elated! I told the family that I was pregnant on Christmas morning of 2011. Dad was kind of confused at first, but he eventually realized the three pregnancy tests in front of him were all positive and that mama was pregnant! I was so excited!

   


I took pictures every single week of my growing belly. I made sure to capture every moment of my pregnancy and life while I was pregnant with you. We had a "gender reveal" party to tell everyone what we were having...and it was...

  

A GIIIRL!!!! I LOOOOVED being pregnant with you. It was the most incredible thing.

 







We had a baby shower where we were gifted with so many blessings and beautiful things for you...

I mean...it was a LOOT!

Then you arrived and you were perfection. I swear there were fairies all around that just sprinkled love and glitter all around. Everything just seemed so unbelievably perfect. 

   

When you were born, you came out so dang fast that you never really had a chance to let go of all of the fluids in your body, so the doctors had to suck them out for you. This did NOT make you happy. In all your fussing and screaming, your big sister was patiently waiting to hold you, so we gave you to her and all of a sudden, there was silence. You put the biggest smile on your biggest sister!!! And she still remembers it to this day. 

 

From there, you and I spent the next 8 weeks together. We bonded. We snuggled. We did photo shoots. I never put a camera down. It was always up and always ready to snap a photo. You also got to meet a lot of really awesome people...

   
 


This is definitely not everyone...but you met a LOT of friends! 

As I laid you down to sleep on October 28th, 2012, I knew something was wrong. You weren't being you. I just had a feeling that things would not be the same when I woke up. 
And they weren't. 

Before.

While you were only with us for 8 weeks...they were the greatest 8 weeks of my life.
Ariella Grace. 9.2.12 - 10.29.12
#‎CaptureYourGrief‬ ‪#‎WhatHealsYourHeart‬ ‪#‎AriellaGrace‬

Capture Your Grief: Day 2

Here we are, day 2 of Capture Your Grief. I must say, I didn't think much of this one until I had totally finished up my drawing, and I was taking a picture of it. I was reminded of sitting in the living room when Ari had passed away. 



There were so many people, and just a ton of things going on all at once. I could barely think, let alone understand all the garbity gook that was going on. However, I do remember, quite clearly, that not too long after she was taken from our home, we were asked if we would like to donate her organs. I looked at my husband, knew that he knew what I was thinking and responded "YES". As we went throughout the process of signing papers, preparing the body, etc. we came to find that the only organ they were able to hold and take was her HEART.

I can't lie. There was a little part of me that was angry. Asking God, "why not all of it!?! You took her from me, at least let her help others as much as possible!!" It truly was a boggle of my mind. I didn't understand. However, we arrived at her wake and received these little pins.
As silly as it sounds, these pins made it OK for me. Ok that it was "just" her heart that they took. Because no matter what, I knew that for a fact, her little heart would live on in others for a very long time. Her light will shine in others. 

I imagine sometimes that I may actually get to meet the recipient(s) of her organ donation, and that when I do, I will see her in them. 

Here is my "social media" post:

Day 2: Heart
Oh Ari...how special you are. From the moment you were born I knew your heart was made of gold. Little did I know, your little golden heart would stop beating one morning. 

However, as we sat on our living room in shock, we were asked if we would like to donate our sweet angels organs. Without a question of doubt we said yes. 

The only organ they were able to take was Ari's HEART. As devastating as losing her has been, we knew she will always live on in the hearts of others. I miss you my sweet girl...  

"the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18

Ariella Grace. 9.2.12 - 10.29.12 ‪#‎CaptureYourGrief‬ ‪#‎WhatHealsYourHeart‬ ‪#‎AriellaGrace‬

Capture Your Grief: Day 1

If you personally know our family, or have kept up with things in this blog, the news of our family grieving the loss of our daughter is not new. I know it has been a while since I have posted here, but I have really had a hard time figuring out what to write. 

Faith is a funny thing sometimes. It's ever changing. It's always showing you new things. It's bringing you to new people, making you look at things in different ways. For me, keeping my faith is crucial to my daily walk. It's something I never let go of.

  Getting back to the news of our grieving daughter and how that relates here today. October is National SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. 

Infant loss is hard at any stage in the game. Whether you are 8 weeks pregnant, or have an 8 week old. There is so much that you look at that you can never do with your child now. So much that you can now only dream about. 

In the case of our daughter, we lost her to SIDS at 8 weeks old. To read more about it you can read "Our Biggest Test Yet"

As much as I sit and lament some days about what I could have done, or could have said, or could have remembered to do better, I want to take the time this month to share my grief. To open a door that not many people see. I will be doing it on my social media pages as well, but here I can share the more intimate moments. 

Carly Marie has started a project that allows those who have suffered through a loss to find a way to capture and share their grief throughout the month of October.

 

I will try and post every day, or a few days at a time. Part of a faith journey is capturing moments like these to realize what you do have, what you can appreciate and see where God fits into all of that. 

So...with all that said...here is my day 1 of capturing grief:

Day 1: Sunrise. 7:15am. Minneapolis, MN
A bit gloomy and rainy this morning in #Minneapolis Today begins the journey of #CaptureYourGrief for SIDS, Pregnancy, and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
 

It is this month, two years ago, we lost our sweet girl. I'll never forget that day. Never. I will never forget waking up and realizing you were gone. I'll never forget the chaos that ensued afterwards and how much shock we were all in. I will never forget. 

While today's sunrise isn't a big bright and beautiful one, every day I still look to the morning sky to see what kind of beautiful paintings you create and who you shine down on with all the other angels up there. It never fails, mornings are our time together. While I drive to work and watch the sun rise, I think of you. Your little smile. Your little hands and feet.

You are MY sunshine love. May you shine your bright light even through the clouds and the rain. Each day you renew me. 

"Because of the Lord's great love we ate not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are NEW EVERY MORNING; great is your faithfulness" lamentation 3:22-23

Ariella Grace. 9.2.12 - 10.29.12

#WhatHealsYourHeart #CaptureYourGrief #AriellaGrace

Faith in What's Right

It has been a few months since I've posted. Got caught up in life. 

A little update, we welcomed our daughter Izzy in October. She's almost 4 months and is doing wonderfully. We're so thankful to have a healthy, beautiful little girl to add to our family. The loss of our daughter Ariella hit our family very hard and is still very hard for us to go through some days. However, love and compassion has refilled our hearts and been stronger than ever with the arrival of this precious little girl. God is good. 

In the meantime, I have been somewhat stumped as to what to write about for my next post. I have had a few things come to mind, but nothing that really stuck out that I felt would be "enough" for me. I have written about the journey, love, faith through storms, childlike faith and faith through friends. I know there has to be more to write about than that! 

And then it hit me. Everyday faith. Faith in the little things. We live our lives each day going through it routinely. Wake up, eat, work, go home, cook dinner, read, homework, kids, bed, etc. Day in and day out it's the same thing. Sometimes the brain wanders and thinks "what is this all for?" Why do I go to this job? Why do I bother keeping the house clean? Joyce Meyer was in my car with me this past week (not literally, but one of her discs on Strength and Discipline), and gave me the inspiration for this post. 

So why do we do the things we do? Because God wants us to. Because it is right. We may not want to do them, but we do them because it says that it is good to do them in the Bible, and if we follow through with what God says is good and right, then he will bless us in our lives. We have that faith. I have this argument with my kids constantly. About cleaning their rooms, or washing the dishes, and picking up their clothes. 

The whining and pouting gets old sometimes doesn't it? Even as a parent though, we fight with our kids to do these things that are right. Why? Because it's right. And God asks us and calls us to do what is right. I have the faith that if I'm raising my child right, in the way that God calls me to, not only will my child have faith in God, but will be strong, faithful and loving towards God and others. I have the faith that if I do my best, God will help with the rest. 

This does mean doing things we don't want to though. I tell ya, my least favorite thing to do is the laundry and the dishes. Especially the dishes. Do I do them anyway? Yep. Why? Because it's what I should do. I should keep my house in order. I should get my homework done in time. I should make my kids look decent before they head out the door. If I can't keep my own life in order and intact, how can I expect to lead others in the way God wants me to? 

Another Joyce Meyers saying:

As my inspiration for this post, I must share that Joyce has some great CD sets that you can listen to. You can check out some of it HERE. If you get a chance, check her out. She really is a great inspiration to God's word and how to live your life for God. 

As I said before, sometimes we have to do things we don't like. In the end though, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose, Romans 8:28. If you don't know that verse, it is a good one to review daily. 

Faith is a gift. We should use it in every way that we possibly can. It's important to exercise our faith muscles daily. If that includes doing things that aren't fun and what we don't necessarily want to do, so be it. 

Faith Through Friends

If you were to ask me today to sit down and list all of the friends I've had throughout my life, I couldn't do it. There's no way I could remember all of the people I have come in contact with and had the opportunity to call them my "friend". That's not to say I'm the most popular person ever, I just honestly couldn't list all of the people that I have come in contact with over my lifetime. The older I get, the harder it is to try and remember all of those people. 

Luckily, things like Facebook and Twitter allow us to catch up to those old friends. See what they are up to. Check up on their status, if they're single, have kids, got their dream job after high school or not, etc. I'll come back to that later. 

We all have our "set" of friends that we grow up with and share life with. I have my set of very close and personal friends. We share everything. Physically and emotionally. They are my right hand companions, who I call on when I need a baby sitter, when I need a shoulder to cry on, when I need a trip to Target. As much as they are my right hand companion, I am theirs as well. 

After my husband and I's 3 year journey thus far into our faith, I can't help but wonder how MY faith affects them. One particular friend and I chat a lot about faith, God, questions that many people have about Christianity. The how's, why's, who's. I certainly don't have all the answers, but I can clearly see her curiosity build. I see a spark starting. I can see her questions bubbling, ones she doesn't want to ask, ones she does and I don't have an answer. I can see how much she thinks "man, being a Christian is confusing."

As I said before, social media sites like facebook and twitter allow us to see a little into the lives of the people we left behind in high school. It lets us have even just one tiny bit of affect on their lives. 

Growing up, I was FAR from the "Christian" type. I wasn't a terrible kid or anything. In fact, I was a rather good kid. I excelled in my studies, I volunteered, I was involved in sports, I spent time with my family and I stayed away from drugs and alcohol. I just didn't have a faith background. As much as my mom tried, I just wasn't interested in learning about a "GOD" who had taken my dad away from me. I struggled with that for a long time. 

Until 10th grade I had shown that I was a pretty "good" kid. Then came the drugs, the alcohol, the sex, which eventually led to being pregnant at the age of 16. From here, most of my friends from high school pull this image of me. This is where they judge from. This young girl who WAS smart, who WAS talented, went and did something that will change her life for good. It felt like I was the start of this "BOOM" in girls getting pregnant at 16. 

Through pregnancy, birth and raising my child I have had the same set of friends who are in my personal life on a daily and weekly basis. The same ones I see being affected by my faith today. Over the course of social media becoming a more intertwined part of our lives, I caught up with other friends and classmates through middle and high school. They've seen our journey of faith over the last few years simply because of what is posted and what groups we're involved with. They see the struggles, but they also see the triumphs. 

My close friends see the changes we go through on a daily basis and hear the stories of how we get through the things we are challenged with. But what about those friends on Facebook? How do they view our situation? Does it affect them? Does our following Christ and making that apparent on our Facebook page affect people we haven't talked to since high school? I'm not quite sure. But as I look at my close friend and see the questions she asks and how she wants to be able to have that faith, I HAVE to believe that there is something that sparks a question in someone's mind out there. 

So why is all of this such a big deal? Well, for one I know that having my non-Christian friends ask me questions personally about my faith I am helping them build a relationship with Christ. But if that spark can happen in my close friend, what's to say it can't happen to someone online? That one out of the 400+ "friends" that can see my Facebook posts can be affected? That one of those people can't be sparked to say "what church do you go to?" or "how do you have faith?". 

All in all, it is important to share our stories. Whether they are online or in person. Having faith that our friends can not only help push us closer to Christ, but that we help lead them as well. As I mentioned previously, my friend and I have had many conversations about God. I'm proud to say that she came to church with us over the weekend. I'm even more proud to say that she enjoyed it! But what makes me the most excited, is I know that spark in her is being slowly kindled into a flame and it will soon be shining for her close friends to see.

God is so good...share him. Have faith that your story will lead others closer to him.

Our Biggest Test Yet...

This is a post I never thought I would have to write, nor did I ever want to write. As much as I don't want to write it and it pains me to do so, it is a true testament of faith and love and family that needs to be shared. It is the reason I began writing. It is one of the large pavements that was placed on our Faithway.

September 2nd, 2012. 
Last year I gave birth to a beautiful, angelic, amazing and very special little girl that we named Ariella Grace. She was perfection.

Our oldest daughter holding her new baby sister

Right after she was born.

She was absolute perfection. Every little piece of her was perfect. She was healthy as can be and the doctors were just in shock at how well we were both doing after she was born. She took to feeding and pooping like a champ, she gained the nick-name of "tery" because of her little itty bitty pterodactyl scream she had before we even left the hospital. In the hospital, every time we walked by the nursery and she was in there, someone was holding her. Thinking something was wrong we would check on her and the nurse would tell us "nothing's wrong, she's just so stinkin' cute that I wanted to hold her". As a parent, my heart filled with light and love and joy for my new shiny little princess that EVERYONE seemed to just adore.  

We brought her home and showered her with love. She was the piece of a puzzle that was missing. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship, as do I, so she was the child that brought all of us together as a family. There was a special bond with her that is indescribable. For 8 weeks my little lady and I played together, we slept together, we cooked together, made funny faces and giggled together. She spent most of her life in my arms. 

October 29th, 2012. 
Our world came to a shattering halt. I woke up and our perfect princess was gone. There were no sweet little breaths coming from her, no movement and no color in her skin. I knew instantly we had become grieving parents to a child who had died of SIDS. We were about to undergo the one thing you never think will happen to you as a parent, that you will lose your child. Ironically, that morning was the same morning I was supposed to return to work from my maternity leave. It was the same morning my husband's grandmother passed away (who we had all been patiently waiting for her home going because of the cancer that had riddled her body for years). It was the same morning I had prayed about in church the day before, to have a "smooth transition" from new mom, back to working mom. 

 That morning our house was turned upside down with police, friends, family, neighbors; question after question about drinking, drugs, violence, health problems; people coming in and out, a never ending supply of food (which we were all too shocked to eat) and a pool of tears and sadness. That morning was hell, to say the very least. I wanted to wake up from my dream I was in. I wanted to know that she was ok. I wanted to hold her, give her one last kiss goodbye. Unfortunately, I didn't wake up from a dream. However, I did know she was ok. Almost instantly after realizing "yes, she's really REALLY gone," I got an image in my head of God holding my baby in his hands. She was happy and surrounded by light. I knew without a doubt that she was in fact, "OK" and I did get to give her my last kisses goodbye, or see you later as I like to say. 

 That day plays over in my head. It's a constant reminder of how close I should hold my family, and how quickly they can be lost. I remember one of the first things that the police officers told us as they sat us down to go over everything that would happen from that point. The officer sat us down and said to me "infant and child deaths are the number one reason for divorce in parents." I looked at him, and had my first laugh of the day. I knew there was no way this would tear our marriage down. It would build us, make us stronger, pull us together more and make us lean on God for strength even more than we already did. 

 As the days went by, the funeral service came and went, people went back about their lives and seemed as though nothing ever happened. People forgot. They were scared to talk about her. Scared to bring her up. Scared that if they did they would make us remember that she was gone. Guess what? I never forgot that she was gone. I will NEVER forget that she is gone, but yet she is always with me.

Over the course of a year our family has been tested in our faith. Anyone who is close to us can certainly attest to that. Our marriage has been tested. Our patience with our children. Our friendships. Our families. Everything that surrounds us has been attacked. The one thing that hasn't changed at all, is our love and ability to call on God when we need him the most. If anything, our bond has been made stronger to Him. The comments I get from friends and people that hear our story about our "strength" as a family, and how well we are handling the loss, and how amazing we are as examples to others on how to walk this crappy journey have honestly made me blush. We're not trying to be better than anyone or make it seem like it's an easy thing to do, because it's not. It's still a battle. It has made me realize that even though we are going through one of the hardest things a parent or person can go through, we still stand strong in the eyes of others. The question is asked "How do you do it?" My answer...

FAITH.

Faith that God knows best. Faith that he will heal our souls. Faith that he will heal our family and bring us blessings. Faith that if we stand strong in his eyes and continue to praise His name, we will continue to stand strong and fight for whatever it is we have to fight for. Faith that through even the hardest of storms, there is a light, there is a rainbow at the end of the tunnel. God knows what he is doing with our lives, it is our job to have FAITH to walk with Him. 

We miss our angel. Her big blue eyes, soft baby skin, her little mark on her eye and her little pucker in her lips. We miss holding her hand, squeezing her cheeks, giggling at her cry. The memories of her memory surrounds us daily. It is by faith that I know I will see her again. I know I will one day here her call my name. It is by faith that we stand tall and fight through the hardest times of our lives. Most of all, it is by faith that we are still here as a family, grieving, but counting on the fact that God does love us and his blessings are endless.

Happy birthday to our sweet angel Ari. 

September 2nd, 2012 - October 29, 2012.

  

Faith in Expression

Do you ever find yourself just wanting to SCREAM at God? Yell at him for all of the things that you don't want going on in your life. Or things that aren't working the way you want them to in your life? Or even yelling at him for not being able to hear him? There have been so many times I've just wanted to and have screamed at God. WHY?!? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do good people have bad people surround them? Why is the freaking sky blue? WHY?!?! There have been days where I break down, unable to speak and I'm just crying wondering where do I go next, what does this road lead me to? 

The funny thing is, I always know that no matter how hard I scream at him, or yell, or how angry I get, he is ALWAYS there for me. I may not hear him or feel him the same way, but he is ALWAYS there. Whether I want him to be or not. Whether what's going on in my life is what I want it to be or not. HIS plan is always bigger than MY plan. If there's one thing I do gain from screaming at God, it's to know that even when I do scream at him, he's still there. He doesn't abandon me like a friend or neighbor might if I started screaming at them. He doesn't change his love for me because I'm mad at him. It's a constant ever-lasting love that he gives to all of us, no matter how mad we are at him. 

As I get older and gain more experience into the "Christian" world, I see that God doesn't necessarily want us to be constantly happy with him (well, in a way he does, but it just doesn't work out that way). We aren't always going to like the choices that are put before us. It makes us human to be angry. It makes us human to sin when we are angry. Does it mean we're right, No. Does God still love us regardless, Yes. 

When we're happy with God we rejoice him, when we're content we pray, when we're mad we yell, when tragedy happens people can tend to drop out of Christian belief and leave God. We have all of these expressions that we can use towards God and no matter what, he still loves us. 

So is it okay to be angry with God? Well, if you ask me, yes. It is okay. Like I said before, even though God puts us through certain situations in life, we may not like what those situations may be. We've all heard the saying that "Life isn't fair," well you're darn skippy it's not fair. So sometimes we can get mad about that. God can handle it. Scream away. But remember that when good things do come along, praise Him. Show Him your appreciation. The bible says to praise him in ALL things:

I Thessalonians 5:18 – In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.


It's not always the easiest thing to do, especially when we're mad, but praising him for even the simplest of things like an easy ride to work that day is something God sees, and he will continue to bless you with. 

My husband and I have faced a number of challenges over the past 3 years that we have been together. From illness, to deaths in the family, job changes, money changes, we have been riddled with things that could potentially tear our family apart. I think it goes without saying that I have had a fair share in screaming at God through those times, maybe even more than my fair share. Regardless, through every storm we should praise him. 

Casting Crowns wrote a song specific to this post and it has been held dear in my heart over the course of these challenges...some of the lyrics are:

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm 

If you've never heard this song and are struggling through storms in your life, I encourage you to listen to this song. Here is the video: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ype1xE0wzsg 

So, in conclusion, scream away. Be mad. Let him know you're angry. God can take it. But always remember to praise him in the storms you face. Have faith that through your praise God will bring good to you. 

Be blessed!