Christmas without HER

I remember the first Christmas without her. It felt like my heart was missing an entire piece, and that there was no hope for it to feel some kind of love again.
I remember the second. It was not a happy time. I missed my baby girl so much. All I wanted was to have her back. I was angry. Why her?
I am now to the third, but it's a different world. It's a different place. Having a new baby, but not having "your baby". The pride and joy you had, of THAT baby. There's nothing to show for it though besides old pictures and an urn. But it's ok.
I honestly can't think of a better time to sit and remember her. Her beautiful life. Her beautiful heart. Her beautiful mind. She was with us for a short time, but she made an impact on my life. On my husband's. On my entire family's.
Ariella.......Ariella.......Ariella.....Ms. Ariella Grace. Oh my. You just capture me. My heart. My love. Time does not heal the heart, but it does expand it. As I live every day, every moment, without you, I realize how much you mean to me. How much, in your short time here, I learned from you. I am just surprised.
I know God had a big part in it all. He is the chess master. But it never removes the love I have for you. It never removes the pain either. I'm so thankful to be your mom. To know that you're in my heart forever. Ms. Ariella Grace. You are always with me, and though I miss you, I am better this Christmas. I remember you and all that you have brought into my life. Like renewed joy, hope and love for others. I am still amazed by how you have touched my life, and others. You are missed sweet girl. Please comfort others through this holiday season and show them your light. I know you are always with me...my wish this Christmas is for you, my sweet angel, to reach others with your love and shine on them. Show them God's love and grace.

Miss you sweet girl. Merry Christmas in heaven.

A Season of Thanks

Now that November is over, and we're moving into the season of giving, I really just wanted to take a moment to outwardly say what I am thankful for. The photo below was posted on the Facebook page for the radio station I listen to here, KTIS. So in honor of that, while a little late, I give thanks...

My Mom <3

- I am thankful for my Mom. She has given me strength through my whole life. She has been, without a doubt, the most influential person in my life. Without her, I would literally be in a box under a bridge. I would literally not know what to do in certain situations. She is truly a saint in my life! I love you mom! 




- I am thankful that since my sweet Ari passed away, I have been able to take the time to look at the sun rise every morning I can. I say hi to my baby, knowing she's just waking up, saying good morning to me. It's a special time, a bonding moment, I am still able to keep and do almost on a daily basis. 













- I'm thankful for the huge team of support I gained by joining MomsLikeMe a number of years back. They truly are great women, from every aspect of life. They all radiate love when any one of us is going through hard times. We've all had our fair share of ups and downs, and it's so nice to know there is a group of women, who have kids, who really understand & care. 

- I'm thankful for my dogs. They are just the sweetest, most loving pair I could have ever asked for. 








- I'm thankful for breastfeeding! I'm thankful to live in a society that for the most part, accepts it. Yeah it's awkward to some, but get over it. It's natural, and it's an amazing bonding time. I have no shame in saying I breastfed my daughter for as long as I could! I'm thankful we got that time together. It has really given her and I a bond that is beyond measure! She is my little mommy's girl!


- I'm thankful for being able to go back to school and go after my real passion in life. I have always known that I wanted to be a therapist. Having a kid at 17 was not a part of my "plan" in life though, and it threw things a little off course. However, I'm so glad I am able to go back, make a plan for my life, and follow it in the interest of helping others. 

- I'm thankful for music. There are certain songs that really touch my heart through different seasons of life. I'm so glad there are many talented people out there who can help me through my times of joy, pain, anger or laughter and help me through music. 

- I am SOOOOO SOOO very thankful for my closest girlfriends. They hold me up, they make me smile, they slap me with reality when I need it, they're a shoulder to cry on, a laugh to share with, and heck, my favorite people to drink some wine with! They are my BEST friends for a reason!! I love them so freaking much! 



- I'm thankful for my church. I'm thankful for my therapist who pushed me to start going to a church. I'm thankful for the people God has placed in my life there who have been so supportive. It's an amazing feeling to know there are so many other people who are there for you, and will pray for you, no matter what. 

- I'm thankful for all of my girls. My sweet daughters. I couldn't imagine life without them, or the experiences that we have had together. They are all just AMAZING in their very own special ways. 

Ariella Grace <3 9.2-12-10.29.12

Isabelle <3

Lily <3

Nevaeh <3

 


















































- I'm thankful for my husband. While things aren't always perfect, I love him. Endlessly. He has always been there for me. He has always made me feel safe. He is my best friend...BEST friend. He is my other half. My one true love. I can't imagine my life without him.

 
- I'm thankful for God. For how he has shown up in my life in amazing ways. Through my journey of being a Christian, I have realized it is NOT easy. No matter how glorious being a Christian may seem, it is not an easy thing to do. To have constant FAITH in something you don't even know exists. To have constant FAITH that things are done in love and that all things are turned to GOOD for those who love Jesus Christ. It can be hard some days. But I'm thankful for the challenge. I'm thankful to have Jesus to lean on. To hold my hand, help me put on my big girl pants and keep on movin!

- Last for today, I struggle with how to put this into words, but I'm thankful that my daughter, Ariella, and my dad, Robert, are in heaven. Without the loss of them, my heart would never have grown to what it is today. I would never have appreciated all of the little things I see and hear and feel with my girls now. I never would have gone back to school. I never would have realized the people around me who are really there to help. I never would have become the strong, independent person I am today. I would have never known what it's like to have lost something so big in your life, and to be able to help others get through that. I can't say that I would have ever turned to God. I don't know where my life would be, but it sure would be different from what it is today. And I love my life today. I'm thankful for every second. No matter the battles I face, or trials that come my way...

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

So, on that note. I encourage you...to daily...yes DAILY...write down what you are thankful for. It is encouragement and humbling to have to sit down and be thankful. It's a discipline. But it's the discipline God calls us to do. Pray. Give thanks. In all things!